Marriage from A to Z

“Can You Be Faithful to Your Husband/Wife?”

     Yesterday I read an article that was in the Washington Post (dated May 26)  titled “How to break free from monogamy without destroying marriage.”  This article was about a woman who is different from her church friends.  She is different because she is married but no longer desires to be restricted to just dating and having sex with her husband.  In other words, she desires to cheat on her husband.  What’s different about her situation is that she sat down with her husband, and they both agreed to stay married but to pursue other options.  The article went on to say that, more and more “progressive couples” are beginning to realize that they want to stay together but have other options.  These options are just a click away because an app has been created especially for people who are married but interested in non-monogamous relationships.

God created marriage to be between one man and one woman.  The scripture says a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two (not more than two) are united as one (Genesis 2:24).  Although there were people in the Bible who practiced polygamy, it was not approved by God. It is clear that monogamy is God’s ideal marriage.  When the characteristics of a good leader are given I Timothy 3, it says, “He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely and have a good reputation.”  God is faithful and certainly He can help us to be faithful to our spouse.

The world calls things that are wrong, right and things that are right, wrong.  To be a Christian means to be Christ like.  We must be imitators of Christ and not the world.   Our goal should be to do what pleases God.  I pray that every husband and wife would be committed and faithful to their spouse.  Do not allow the ways and patterns of this world to convince you that it is okay to cheat on your spouse under any circumstances. May God give you self-control and a strong passionate desire to only be with the spouse that you have chosen.  There are so many blessings in being faithful and so many consequences to being unfaithful.  The world glamorizes unfaithfulness.  However, there is a lot of hurt, brokenness and pain involved in being unfaithful because this is not the way that God intended for a marriage to be.

The article made it sound like being faithful to one man and one woman is a thing of the past and that no one is doing that today.  This is a lie from the pit of hell.  I am a witness that God can keep you committed to your spouse and that He can give you passion and desire just for your spouse.  There are many couples who are committed to God and to each other.  Some couples have been married for 20, 30, 40, and 50 years without ever cheating on their spouse. Contrary to what some may believe, it is possible.  With God, all things are possible! (Matthew 19:26)  If you are single with plans to get married, please talk about this beforehand, don’t assume that your potential mate will automatically be faithful.

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Treat Her Like A Gift”

     What happens when a husband treats his wife like a gift?  Last week, I witnessed seeing a wife who for several weeks had a sad countenance but for some reason, her countenance had changed. Her face had such a glow and she was radiant. Even her outfit was girly and happy looking. I was so blessed by the change that I saw in this wife’s face. I wondered what created the change. I had the pleasure of hearing an explanation from her husband who said that he now sees his wife as a gift. Although they had been married for many years, he didn’t see her as a gift. It was obvious that his change in perspective created a change in his wife.

A gift is defined as something given voluntarily without payment in return as to show favor toward someone. When someone gives you a valuable gift you treasure it and cherish it. You treat it with special care.  The interesting thing about it is that we normally accept gifts without knowing what’s inside.
When a man sees his wife as a gift from God, he will not treat her or talk to her any kind of way. Husbands must remember the following:

1.  A wife is a good thing and a good gift.  (Proverbs 18:22)

2.  Husbands are to love their wife as their own body. (Ephesians 5:28)

3.  Husbands are to love their wife as Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25)

4. A wife is to be enjoyed. (Ecclesiastes 9:9)

5. A wife is a helper created especially for her husband. (Genesis 2:18)

6. A wife should not be treated or spoken to harshly. (Colossians 3:19)

7. A wife should be honored as the weaker vessel. (I Peter 3:7)

8. A wife should be nourished and cherished. (Ephesians 5:29)

9. Husbands must have understanding towards their wife or their prayers will be hindered. (I Peter 3:7)

10. A husband obtains favor from the Lord because of his wife. (Proverbs 18:22)

The scriptures remind us that having a wife is precious in God’s sight. A wife is valuable and should be treated as a gift. When a man does not treat his wife properly, he hinders his relationship with God. To all of the singles, make sure that you and your potential understand this principle while you are courting.  In addition, observe the way that a man treats  his mother, it’s usually a sign of how he will treat his wife.

In conclusion, I was always told that you can often tell the character of a man by the countenance of his wife.  I have found this statement to be true. The way that a husband treats his wife has a lot to do with a wife’s facial expression, composure, her look and her appearance.  God’s calling ALL husbands to treat their wife like a gift!

Until next week…
Carolyn

“Should You Change Your Name After Marriage?’

Who belongs to who?  This is the question that my husband and I asked after receiving our class attendance for our Spring, Homebuilder’s Course titled, Building Your Marriage to Last.  For the first time, we had more married couples who registered with different last names.   This created a problem because we had to make phone calls to find out who was married to who.

As I talk to different women about this subject, I think it is interesting that some of us didn’t even give it a thought.  It was something that we looked forward to, and we immediately changed our name after marriage.   While there are other women who have reservations about changing their last name after marriage. When I have asked the reason why, I have heard a couple of responses like; “I have been married before and it didn’t work so I am not sure if I want to change my last name, it’s too much paper work to have to change, and I am not sure if I really want to take on my husband’s name.”

The question for this week is “Should You Change Your Name After Marriage?”  I would like to answer this question by saying YES, especially for Christians.   A new name lets everyone know that a change has taken place.  You are no longer a single but you are married.  You belong to someone.  Different names say division.  Taking on a new name says unity.  Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”  When the two become one, there should be one name.   One last name helps with identification.  It clearly identifies who belongs to who.  Two different last names can easily create confusion.  Not only does it help to identify, it says commitment.  Romans 7:2 says, “For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives.”  Taking on your husband’s name says you are committed and connected to your husband.  In addition, taking on a man’s last name is a matter of respect.  Many of the husbands have shared that the fact that their wives have not changed their names makes them feel dis-respected.  It is so important for the wives to respect their husbands in this way. Ephesians 5:33 says, “let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Entering God’s wonderful institution of marriage is truly a privilege.  It’s a blessing to have a husband/wife.  There are so many women who would love to be married and take on a new name. God is a God of order, and everything about marriage should be done decently and in order. (I Corin. 14:40)  Being one in marriage is a part of God’s order.  For all of the singles, please think about this before you say I do.  If you are not willing to take on the brother’s name, do you really want to become one?

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“How Is Your Tone?”

     One sure way to get your spouse or significant other upset is to say something using the wrong tone.  Your tone has everything to do with your delivery.  It will make a conversation or break it. Over the past week, I have heard this four letter word (tone) in several conversations.  Each time that I have heard the word it was in a discussion with married couples.  So this week, I was inspired to write about our tone.  Take a few minutes to evaluate the following:  How is your tone?  Does your tone say respect or disrespect?  If you are not sure, ask your spouse.

    Tone, Tone, Tone!  What exactly is your tone?  So glad that you asked.  Tone is defined as a way of sounding, modulation, any sound considered with reference to it’s quality, pitch, strength, sources, etc.  Tone is the attitude of the speaker. Let’s talk about how your tone affects the way that your spouse responds to you.

   “Where are you?”  This is a simple question so how could  it create an argument, harsh feelings or be offensive? Men seem to have a problem with this question if it is said with the wrong tone.  This very question used to be an issue when I first got married.  It was as if it triggered something in my husband.  He would respond with an attitude, and I didn’t understand why.  He said this question made him feel like he was being “checked up on.”  In other words, he took the question as if I thought he was doing something that he should not be doing.  He later learned that I didn’t mean anything by it, I was only asking to see how close he was to coming home for dinner.    Last week, I heard another husband express that he doesn’t like being asked “Where are you?” or any other question when his wife uses the wrong tone.

    Proverbs 15:1 says, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  God wants us to watch our tone. The wrong tone stirs up anger.  A soft tone creates a better response.  Someone once said that you can get a person to do anything that you want them to do, if you learn to say it with the right tone. Using the right tone is necessary for men and women.  The wrong tone can cause an argument, shut down communication, intimacy and ultimately the relationship.

     Here are a few tips for using the right tone:

1. Think before you speak.
2. Whenever you have to discuss a difficult topic, pray first. Ask God to give you the right words to say and to help you say it in the right tone.
3. If your spouse has previously offended you with their tone, forgive them and discuss it.  They may not realize their tone.
4. Realize that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
5. Ask your spouse, if he or she is pleased with your tone.  Don’t get offended if they say no.  Work on it.

Until next week  .  . .

Carolyn

p.s. If you missed the radio interview, you can go to http://www.realtalkwithchrisrichardson.com and listen to the recorded interview at any time.

Tune in Monday, May 18th at 9:00 PM

Life Doesn’t Always Go According to Plan

      It was Mother’s Day weekend, and I had a plan.  I had planned to do some of the things that I enjoy on Saturday and Sunday.  My plan for Saturday was to get together with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while, go walking and enjoy the beautiful weather. I had planned to  end the day by having some quality time with my husband and attend a Couple’s Ministry event.  On Sunday,  I had planned to go to church and have dinner with my family. I was looking forward to a good Mother’s Day message and a good meal that I didn’t have to cook.  The weather was perfect for everything that I planned. However, my weekend did not go as planned.  

     On Friday night, my son and I both caught a stomach virus. I started feeling bad on the stomach around 10:00 pm. At first, I thought it was something that both of us had eaten, but we both had different things to eat. Maybe we picked it up from a mutual place, I am not sure. All I know is that I was so sick from Friday night until Sunday. All of my plans went right out the window. The only thing that I did get to do is listen to the Mother’s Day Message online while being in bed. I thank God for that! 

     Being sick was not the plan but it happened. How many of you have made some plans and it just didn’t go the way you planned? When this happens we really have to take some time to talk to God, and find out what is His plan. He always has a reason for changing our plan. Usually, It’s something that God wants to teach us, show us or wants us to experience.  One of the things that I was forced to do is rest.  It’s a shame to have to be sick to take time to be still and rest but God will do what He needs to do to get our attention.  Some times it’s about taking a different direction or having a different attitude.  Be flexible!

     Some of you are in marriages/relationships that are not going as planned, raising teens that are not cooperating with the plans that you had in mind, or maybe you are working a job that is not going as planned. Whatever your situation, don’t allow yourself to get into a funk because things aren’t going according to your plan. Realize that God has a better plan, and it is up to you to embrace His plan. Stay positive, trust God and reflect on God’s faithfulness. He has an excellent track record and knows what He is doing.  

Until next week….

Carolyn

“My Hero”

How Should You Love Your Spouse?

     You should love your spouse exactly the way that he/she wants to be loved.  One of the things that will create an unhappy spouse, is when they do not feel loved. Each of us want to be loved, but we all have a different way that we desire love.  The problem that often arises in a marriage is that, a husband and a wife desire love in two different ways. However, we tend to give love the way that we want to receive it, instead of the way that our spouse wants it. The key to loving your spouse, is to find out how your spouse desires to be loved; and give it to them.

Some years ago, I read the book titled, “The Five Love Languages.”  I highly recommend it to everyone in marriage or planning to get married.  This book explains that there are five basic ways to speak love. All five of the languages should be a part of a healthy relationship.  However, each person has a primary way that they desire to be loved. Out of the five love languages, everyone needs to know what makes them feel loved; and what makes their spouse feel loved.  If you don’t know, ask your spouse what makes you feel loved the most?  Once you find out, it’s your responsibility to speak your spouse’s love language as often as you can.  What is your love language?  The five love languages include:

1) Physical touch – A person feels loved when they are touched.  This includes, hugs, holding hands, rubs and the ultimate level of intimacy.

2) Words of Affirmation – A person feels loved when they are affirmed by words.  They love to hear that they are doing a a great job, compliments or words that build up.

3) Acts of Service – A person who feels loved when you help with cleaning, work, taking care of the children, or any type of service.

4) Quality time – A person who feels loved when you give them your time.  They love one on one time without any distractions.  They love to have your undivided attention.

5) Gifts – A person who feels loved when they receive gifts.  It can be small gifts, large gifts, expensive gifts or inexpensive gifts.  They love to receive gifts.

Many of us know our spouse’s love language, but we rarely speak it.  Sometimes it’s a challenge because their love language may take you out of your comfort zone.  I often feel that way when I speaking my husband’s love language. However, I want to make sure that I am speaking love in a way that satisfies his love need.    As a husband or a wife, your number one goal should be to please your spouse (I Corinthians 7:33-34).

Don’t withhold or deprive your spouse of a need that was designed to only be met by you (I Corinthians 7:5).  One thing that can hurt a spouse is when they see their husband/wife giving love to the children and everyone but them.  When a husband or wife does not speak their spouse’s love language, they put their spouse in a vulnerable place.  Remember the vows and the covenant that you made to love your spouse.   Keep your spouse happy by loving, the way that they desire to be loved.

Until next week .  . .

Carolyn

Who’s Building Your House?

          Have you ever seen a beautiful brick house like the one in the picture above? This is a beautiful home that a couple had built, but they never moved in.  The house looks beautiful on the outside, but you would never guess the issues that were on the inside.   The two pictures below the house are samples of some of the issues that were on the inside.  The builders had taken short cuts and the materials that were used for the home were not quality. Therefore, this home was not built on a good foundation.  Thankfully, the poor quality and weak foundation were brought to the couples attention before they made the final deal.  They were able to back out of the contract just in time.  When they took time to evaluate where they went wrong, they realized they were trying to build a house without consulting or including God in the process.

     God made a way of escape for this couple, and gave them a second chance.  They were able to get all of their money back and started building another home.  However, this time, they are at a different place spiritually.  They have re-committed their lives and their marriage to God.  Now they are including God in the process and  have changed their foundation.  The picture on the right is a beam with a scripture that is a part of the foundation of their new home.  This time, they have chosen to build their house on a strong foundation.

     Psalm 127:1  tells how to build a house successfully. It reads, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.”  Now replace the word house with your life, your marriage, your family, your career etc.  Unless the Lord builds your marriage, the husband and wife are laboring in vain.  God wants to be a part of every area of your life.  Allow God to build your house by consulting Him and including Him in your planning and in everything that you do.  Pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance before you make a move.

     If God is not in it, you may have something that looks good on the outside, but causes you a lot of trouble on the inside.    This reminds me of people who marry on the basis of how fine and how good a person looks.  They forget the fact that this person doesn’t know God or doesn’t care anything about the things of God.   However once married, they experience all kinds of trouble, because they didn’t allow the Lord to build their house.  Let’s not wait until we are in trouble to invite the Lord in.  Be intentional about allowing the Lord to build your house.  If you want to win, keep God in!

Until next week   . . .

Carolyn

 p.s.  Thank you to the couple who shared this wonderful testimony with me.

How To Take Your Husband to Another Level

     Your man needs it!  He wants it, and the Bible says, see that you give it to him. Once he gets it from you, it will help him to go to another level.   It’s called RESPECT!  Last week’s post was for the husbands and the potential husbands, this week’s post is especially, for the wives and the potential wives.  We are still in Ephesians Chapter 5 however,  I would like for you to focus on verses 22-24 and the last verse (33).

     One of the things that will pull a man down is a disrespectful woman.  Ladies we must learn our place and use our influence to help take a brother up a level.  Let’s look closer at what Ephesians 5 says.  It reminds us to submit to our own husbands, as to the Lord.  The word submit can be defined several ways.  One of the definitions says; to present for the approval, consideration or decision of another.  First, we must have a relationship with the Lord.  If you don’t submit to the Lord who is God Almighty, it makes it difficult to submit to your husband. The Bible says that a husband is to be the head of the wife, as Christ is also the head of the church.  Therefore, we are to pay attention to our husbands and consider them in everything that we do and say.  Verse 24 says, “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” Everything pretty much means everything!

     The last verse of Ephesians Chapter 5 sums up everything.  It says “let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  The word see in this verse means that we must make sure that we respect our husbands. Be intentional!   It’s like saying; if you don’t do anything else, make sure that you respect your husband.  Every husband is different; so, it is very important that you find out how your husband spells respect.  I had a discussion with my husband about what makes men feel respected. The following are a few examples of what makes a man feel respected.

1. Keeping your husband informed (about you, the kids, the house, and everything)
2. Finding out what meals he would like to have and preparing/purchasing them
3. Affirming him. (Example:  You are doing a great job with .  . ., Thank you for being a great dad)
4. Discussing your financial moves even though you have a job and your own money
5. Praying for him
6. Letting him know your whereabouts
7. Keeping a clean house
8. Watching your tone when you speak to him
9. Maintaining your inward and outward appearance
10. Considering him before making decisions
11. Speaking well of him (in front of the children and in public)
12. Last but not least, initiating sex (smile)

When you know how your husband spells respect, give it to him.  Give it unconditionally because sometimes you may feel that he doesn’t deserve respect.  However, God has ordered respect for husbands and as a wife, you must be clear on how to give your husband what he needs.  If you don’t know ask him. See that you respect your husband!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn