Marriage from A to Z

“Back Together Again”

God will put things and people back to together again!  He has done it before, and He is still in the reconciliation business.     Keep praying and keep believing.  I know that waiting and hoping is challenging, but don’t give up on God.  He will do it!  

A couple of years ago, I prayed and asked God to please allow me to see someone who I had not seen in over 30 years.  When I was about 12 years old,  my grandmother would take me to Sunday School every Sunday.  God used one of my Sunday School teachers to teach me about Jesus and make great deposits of faith in my life.  She was a good teacher; she would pick me up or take me home if I needed a ride, if there was another service she would take me to her house along with her children, feed me, then bring me back to church.  It was such a blessing because she had no problems feeding me spiritually with the Word of God and then feeding me physically with a meal from her home. She had three children of her own and still welcomed me on a regular basis.

This happened over 30 years ago, and I had not seen this teacher nor had I ever run into her.  One day. I was in her neighborhood and began to pray, “Lord would you allow me to see Sis. McCarthy again?”  I just want to see her, hug her and thank her for everything she did to teach me about God.  I believed that I would see her, but I didn’t know when.  I would hope to see her whenever I was on her side of town.  This weekend, I attended a house blessing in Bowie, Maryland (on the other side of town).  After being there for about 1 hour, God sent Sis. McCarthy to the same house blessing.  She walked in and all I could do was hug her and say thank you Lord!  I was able to take a picture with her and share some of the things God has done in my life.  She was able to see that her labor was not in vain and that the calling that she saw on my life was manifested.

If God can allow Sis. McCarthy and I to be at the same place at the same time, He can bring you and another person back together again. If you have a husband, wife or a child who you would like to see again, keep believing.  If you are single and trusting God for a mate, know that He can bring you and your mate together at the appointed time.     It may not happen when you want it but, God can do it!  It may happen at the place that you least expect, but God is able! He is still in the business of bringing people together!  Will you pray and believe?  Will you wait on God?  Will you trust Him?  

Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.” 

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“WARNING! A Crafty Woman”

Warning, warning, warning!  Everyone needs to be aware of this type of woman especially our men (young and old).  She is crafty in a negative way.  She is a destructive woman; she kills marriages, families, strong men and even children.  The Bible warns us several times about this woman.  Let’s read about the type of woman that we should not be as a women and that our husband’s and sons need to stay away from.

What is a Crafty Woman?

The crafty woman has several names. She is called an Adulteress, Seductress, Wayward Wife, Immoral Woman and a Crafty Harlot.  The dictionary sums it up with the adultery definition:  “Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.”   This  definition applies to a husband or a wife who has sex outside of their spouse. However, our focus is on the woman.  The crafty woman can also be a single woman who is immoral or a seductress, one who will go astray with a man who is not her husband.

What are her characteristics?

Proverbs Chapter 7 warns us against the Adulteress.  Her characteristics are as follows:

• (verse 7)  She will come after young men who lack judgement.
• (verse 9)  She does her best work late at night.
• (verse 10) She dresses like a prostitute and has crafty intent.
• (verse 11) She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay home.
• (verse 13)  She comes after a man and makes herself so appealing.
• (verse 16-17)  She will set the atmosphere so that it is hard for a man to resist her.
• (verse 18)  She is only looking for pleasure for the moment, no thoughts about the damage that will be done.
• (verse 19)  She meets with other men while her husband is away.
• (verse 21)  She uses persuasive words to lead men astray, she is a smooth talker.
•  (verse 22- 23)  She gets men  to go after her “All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.”
• (verse 26) She brings down strong men.
• (verse 27) Her house is the way to hell.

WARNING!

In Proverbs 7, we are warned to stay away from this woman.  Verse 25 says “Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, do not stray into her paths.”  The best way to guard against this type of woman is to follow the instructions given in Proverbs 7:1-5.  Keep the words of God stored up within you, make them the apple of your eye and place them on the tablet of your heart.  

PRAYER

If you know this woman, pray for her.  If you know a marriage or family who has been impacted by one spouse having sex with someone other than his/her spouse, pray for them. God is able to heal and restore.   Pray for our men, husbands and sons that they will not fall for this woman.  If you are this woman, I pray that God will help you to realize the damage that is being done and transform you.

Until next week. . .

Carolyn

Should you hurry to marry?

You have met a person who appears to be an answer to your prayers.  They have the look, job, money, car and all of the things that are appealing on the outside. They may even go to church.   Does this mean that you should hurry to marry?

Absolutely not!  Marriage is God’s wonderful institution and the Bible says that it is honorable among all (Hebrews 13:4).   Since God created marriage to last for a life time, we must take it very seriously.    Taking it seriously means spending as much time as possible gathering information and studying your potential mate.  Now I know that many of you are already married however,  this is one of the issues weighing on my heart this week.   I am sharing with hopes that you will share this post with a single friend who desires to get married.

Marriage should not be entered in a hurry.  There are many steps that should be taken before entering a marriage. However, here are a few steps to be sure to take before saying, “I do!” 

1. Get to know as much as you can about the person.  (Observe their character, conduct and their conversation for a period of time) Can you totally accept this person the way that they are?  Don’t marry with hopes of a person changing.
2. Get to know as much as you can about their family (his/her parents, siblings and family background)  Take your significant other around your parents, family and friends before you say, “I do.”  Allow the people who are most important to you to be apart of your preparation for marriage.  Listen to their observations or concerns. Pay attention to any red flags.  Hiding and secrecy about your significant other usually causes problems later.
3. Meet their parents, family members and close friends.  (You can learn so much by getting to know those who are closest to your significant other) Get the blessing of your parents or those who are authorities in your life.
4. Seek godly counsel.  Don’t marry without good pre-marital counseling.  (Pre-marital counseling helps to provide tools for a healthy marriage.  It also helps you to discuss and ask questions that you probably would not have thought about) Read good marriage preparation books and take classes to get as much knowledge as you can before you say, “I do.”
5. Maintain self-control and wait until after you are married to have sex.  Sex bonds you together before you say, “I do.”  Sex has been known to cloud one’s view and can prevent one from making a wise choice.) Remember God created sex for marriage and that true love waits!  
6. Have several conversations about the things that matter most to you.  If God is a priority for you, be sure that your significant other feels the same way.  If having children and raising a godly seed is important, express these desires up front.
7. Observe and discuss their work ethics and spending habits before you say, “I do.” Discuss your financial obligations and  commitments such as; working, tithing, saving, paying bills, loans, child support and your credit.

If you marry in a hurry nine times out of ten you will end up with worry.  So be wise and take some time to prepare before getting married.  Don’t allow anyone to rush or pressure you into getting married in a hurry.    Follow the tips and  you will have a better foundation before saying, I do.”

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Will you choose the narrow way?”

Decisions, decisions, decisions!  Every day we have to make decisions that affect our lives, marriages, relationships and our careers.  We are often presented with two basic ways of doing life, God’s way and the World’s way.  One way is narrow and one way is broad.  Which way will you choose?  

Matthew 7:13 says, “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.  Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.”  On Tuesday morning, I meditated on this verse for my devotion.  Shortly there after, I went for a walk.  While on the walk, I looked up and saw this line in the sky (see the picture).  As I looked at the line, I kept hearing, “CHOOSE THE NARROW WAY!”  So I wanted to share this with you (perhaps someone else needs to hear this).

Since this blog is all about relationships I asked God: “How does this apply to relationships?”   He began to give me examples such as: The world and some Christians are practicing sex before marriage.  This is an example of the broad way because many travel on this road.  Waiting until you are married to have sex is God’s way and therefore the Narrow way.  When a man and woman get married and don’t step outside of their spouse, this is the Narrow way.  Those who marry and have a woman or a man on the side are choosing the broad way.  Choosing a dress that exposes your breast, belly, butt and everything else to the world is the broad way.  The dress may succeed at catching a man’s eye however, choosing a modest dress that covers your private areas is the Narrow way.  Which way will you choose?

I don’t know about you but when I look at this line that was in the sky, I am reminded that not many will travel this way.  It is not very wide therefore, only few will travel this way.  It’s the Narrow way and it’s difficult because it’s not popular, you may be talked about or criticized but God wants us to choose His way!  The Narrow Way!  Don’t settle, and don’ feel like you have to do what every one else is doing.     Choose the Narrow way! It leads to life!

Until next week . .  .

Carolyn Tatem

“Keys to being a good Mother”

Happy Mother’s day to all of the mothers!  Thank God for all of the mothers, grandmothers, godmothers, stepmothers, mothers-in-laws and the special women who are like mothers because they have nurtured and poured into so many children.  This is a special weekend blog to reflect on what it really means to be a mother and to remind us to go out of our way to honor/celebrate mothers.

The word mother can be defined in many ways.  The standard definition is simply a woman in relation to her child or children, a female parent of a child.  However, here are a few keys/tips on being a good MOTHER.

M = Model for her children, a good mother should provide the best example for her children. Practice Modeling the behavior you want your children to have. Mothers must remember that their children are always watching and learning from their conversation and conduct.  (Titus 2:7)

O = Obedience to God, is the key to being a good model.  When a mother has a relationship with God her desire is to please Him.  Knowing God and obeying Him are ingredients for being a great mother. When a mother loves God, she will obey Him.  (John 14:15)

T = Trains her children.  Children can learn but we must train them.  The Bible says train up  a child in the way that they should go and when they are old, they will not depart. (Proverbs 22:6)

H = Handles her home.  Home is where our stories begin and a good mother is responsible for keeping a good home.  She keeps her home by managing it, cleaning it, organizing it, cooking meals and  providing lots of home training for her children.    (Titus 2:5)

E = Engages in the life of her children.  A good mother is involved with her children.  She supports, encourages and is present when no one else is there.  Next to her husband, her children are her top priority.

R = Rest.  This is probably the most challenging word for mothers.  However, if a mother can get some rest, she can be a better mother.  Rest will restore and refresh a mother. One of the ways to really bless a mother is to help her to get some rest or time for herself. Every good mother needs a Sabbath, time to be still and rest.  (Exodus 20:8)

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

Are Your Priorities in Order?

One thing that can hurt your relationship with God, you, your marriage and your family is when your priorities are out of order.  In order to maintain healthy relationships you must have your priorities in order. The question for this week is; “Are your priorities in order?”   I don’t know about you but my answer to this question changes because this can be a challenge.

The word priority can be defined as;  1) Something given special attention 2) The right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.  God wants us to be people of order.           I Corinthians 14:40 says, “Let all things be done decently and in order.”    If we are going to practice this principle we have to identify our priorities and learn to adjust our time and our schedules accordingly.

Our lives are constantly changing and as the days go by, we must evaluate how are we doing with managing our priorities.  If you are not intentional about making time for your priorities, time will slip away.  One of the things that helps to put me on track is doing a priority check.  The following is a check list that may help to guide you on listing your priorities.

PRIORITIES/ORDER

1.  God – Seek God first in all that you do and He will help you to identify and take care of the rest of your priorities.  Start each day with prayer and spend time with God first.  Is God your first priority?  (Matthew 6:33)
2. Yourself – Yes you!  If you don’t take care of you, you will not be in a good position to take care of anyone else.  Be sure to nourish your self with healthy food, water, exercise, rest, learn to strengthen yourself.  Are you taking good care of you? (Proverbs 31:17)
3. Husband/Wife – If you are married, your spouse should be your most important and  first human priority.  What do your actions say?  (I Peter 3:1-7)
4. Children – So often we put our children before our spouses but if you are married, this is out of order.  Love your children, spend time with them, train them to the love God.   (Titus 2:4,  Proverbs 22:6, Psalm 127:3)
5. Your Family – God loves relationships.  Honor your parents, love your family and spend time building/maintaining relationships. (Exodus 20:12, I Corin. 13:7, I John 4:19)
6. Home – Pray and ask God what would you have me to do today regarding my home?  What can you do to make your home sweeter? If the home is constantly out of order, it affects the entire family.  (Titus 2:4)
7. Work/Career – Whatever you do, do it as unto the Lord. (Colossians 3:23)
8. Ministry – Ministry flows out of your life message and our life message becomes our ministry.   Use the gifts that God has given you to serve others.  (I Peter 4:10, Colossians 3:23)

What are your priorities?  Are they in order?  Pray about your plans and your priorities each day.  Ask God to help you to put things in order.

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Got Communication Issues?”

Every couple that I know has experienced having issues with communication at some point in their relationship.  The interesting thing is that it doesn’t matter how long you have been married, you can still have communication issues.  Based on my research, a couple never really arrives in this area because as the years go on, things/people are constantly changing.    I just spoke to a couple who have been married for 33 years and they said that they are still working on communication.  This issue is so important because it affects the lifeline of the marriage.  Some marriages don’t survive because they have never learned how to improve their communication.

What are the communication issues?  Here are four communication issues that many couples have experienced at some point in their relationship.  Can you identify with any of these?  

• Lack of communication – We talk a little but not much.  We talk about the things on the surface but not about the real issues in our marriage.  You feel like your spouse is not telling you everything, something is being left out.
• No communication – You get angry and stop talking.  You shut down.   You feel as if you and your spouse are existing but not really saying anything to each other.  This could also be the silent treatment.
• Bad communication – We talk but what we say to each other is not good.  We use file language, call each other names and curse each other out.  We really don’t respect one another.  We raise our voice and yell at one another.  You are afraid to express yourself because of how your spouse may respond.
• Mis-Communication – We are talking but we constantly mis-understand one another.  He or she says one thing, but I am hearing another.  You say one thing and he/she just doesn’t get what you are saying.  You don’t feel like you spouse is really hearing you.

Many of us think that we are communicating when we let words come out of our mouth.  However, “words being uttered does not mean that communication is taking place.”  Here are few tips from the book:  Improving Communication in Your Marriage by Family Life.”  Good communication consist of three components:

1. Expressing – Clearly expressing yourself.  Share your true feelings.  Talk openly about what you think, feel and what you need in the situation that you are discussing.
2. Listening – Listen to your spouse without interrupting.  Give each other the spotlight and take turns talking.  Listening carefully is the key to understanding your spouse’s true needs. Proverbs
3. Responding – After expressing and listening, the next step is to respond.  You must go beyond listening.  You have to join the conversation, seek to really understand your spouse and then give some feedback.  The goal is to give appropriate feedback.

I know this sounds simple but many are struggling with successfully communicating. We really have to watch what what we say and how we say it.  The tongue is such a deadly weapon and it can kill a relationship (James 3:3-12).   When communication is an issue,  I highly recommend that you pray before you speak.  Ask God to give you the words to say and to help you to understand your spouse.  Be intentional about including God in your communication.  He will help you to stay calm when you want to explode, keep your voice down and say what needs to be said.  There is so much more that I could say on this issue, but I will stop here.  I hope this helps somebody today.  Be encouraged and know that it can get better. You are not alone.  Don’t give up!  Good communication takes work and practice.  Remember that God can make it better!

Until next week,

Carolyn

“Did you get what you wanted?”

The real question is; “Did you get what you wanted when you wanted what you got?” That may not sound like good English but think about what this question is asking. Often times people spend so much time wanting something or someone and once they get it, they discover that it is not what they thought it would be.

I have spoken to so many newlyweds who say, “I didn’t think that marriage would be this way.  He or she did one thing while we were dating but now that we are married they have changed.”  Some spouses say; “Yes,  I saw the signs when we were dating, but I thought he/she would be different once we got married.  Singles, whatever signs that you see when you are courting/dating, read them and pay attention.  Often times whatever you see at a minimum is maximized after you say, “I do.”

I think it is normal to get married and think to yourself, oh I didn’t know this or I didn’t know that.  There are some things that you will not find out until after you are married and live with a person.  However, I strongly recommend pre-marital counseling so that you can prepare as much as possible before saying, “I do.”  When the unexpected happens and the difficult times come, trust and rely on God to see you through.  Too many people are giving up after trying a few times.  When you purchase something and it’s not what you wanted, you are likely to take it back.  Well, when your spouse is not everything or doing everything that you want, take them back to God in prayer on a consistent basis.  Pray until something changes in you, your spouse or both. While you are waiting on the change, be patient and remember how patient God has been with you.

Have you ever heard about the three strand cord?  Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that,  (NLT) “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back.  Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken.”  The three strands represent: the husband, wife and Jesus Christ.  When things don’t go the way that you would like, hang in there and look to Jesus Christ. Find someone who has stood the test of times in their marriage and have weathered the storms.   God will be your strength, your help and your peace in the midst of whatever you go through. The enemy wants you to give up, but keep fighting, appreciate what you have and allow God to make it better.

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

“Can you pray together?”

Praying to God individually is powerful however, there is something more powerful about a husband and wife coming together to pray.  There are so many benefits to praying with your spouse until the devil fights so hard to keep you apart.  When you know the benefits of praying together, you will not want to let a day go by without coming together to pray.

Matthew 18:19-20 says “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.  For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them. ”  James 5:16 also tells us to pray for one another.    So it is important for a husband to pray for his wife and for a wife to pray for her husband.   I realize that in some marriages  one person wants to pray and the other one does not.  If this is your situation, be encouraged and keep praying.  One person praying is certainly better than no one praying at all.

There are various reasons that couples give for not praying together.  Sometimes men/women are reluctant to pray with their spouse because they feel uncomfortable, they don’t think they know the right words to say, they feel that their spouse is more spiritual and will criticize or critique their prayer.  Another common reason couples don’t pray together is simply their busy schedules don’t connect.  I want to encourage you to press beyond all of the reasons and establish a daily prayer time with your spouse. Once you start, you will see how a few minutes of praying together will greatly impact you and your marriage.

Praying together brings so many benefits to the marriage.  It promotes unity, builds communication, understanding, produces spiritual intimacy and sexual intimacy,  Praying together will revive a marriage and any situation that may be dead.  Prayer changes things, prayer changes people and changes situations.  When you don’t know what to do, pray.  When you are tired and frustrated, cry out to God and He will answer. Prayer is so powerful until we really can’t afford not to pray.  Don’t let the enemy rob you of the blessings that God brings from praying together.  I truly believe that a couple who prays together will stay together. 

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Does God Approve?”

Whose approval are you seeking?  Other’s or God’s?  So often we are making decisions and behaving in ways that others would approve of but not God.  Singles, does God approve of the person that you are dating/courting?  Have you asked Him and waited for response?  If you are married, you have already made your choice.  Since your selection has already been made,  I am not going to ask you, “Does God approve?  However, the question that I want you to ask your self is, “Does God approve of the way that I treat my spouse?”  Parents, “Does God approve of the way that you treat your children?  I know that none of us are perfect, but the number one goal of every Christian should be to live in such a way that God approves.

This is very important because Galatians 1:10 (Life Application Bible) says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If  I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. “  So as we live our lives, make our decisions and go from day to day,  the question that we should ask ourselves is, “Would God be pleased? Would God approve of my decisions/actions?”  If the answer is not yes than we should make a change.  We all have to ask God to forgive us for decisions and behaviors that did not meet His approval.  Lord please forgive us!   Trust me, if God doesn’t want it for you, you don’t want it.  It may feel good, sound good and even look good for the moment but you will pay later.

Be brave and seek God’s approval in every move you make and every decision.  Pray and ask God what He thinks about the matter.  Aim to please God.  If necessary, seek godly counsel and then be obedient to the counsel.  Some times we seek godly counsel and then turn around and do it our own way.  Remember that God’s way always lines up with the Word of God.  If the decision or behavior is contrary to the word of God, it will not meet God’s approval.  The decision that God wants you to make will bring glory and honor to Him!  Make God’s approval a priority in your life. Consult with Him about everything!

Until next week,

Carolyn Tatem