Marriage from A to Z

“Do you know about his/her credit?”

One of the things that can greatly impact a man and a woman as they join together in marriage is their credit history.  I know this is a topic that often gets neglected when two people are in love and planning to get married.  However, it is very important!  So whether your credit is good or bad,   it should be discussed before you say “I do.” You need to know the status of your own credit and the status of your spouse/prospective spouse.

I want to put emphasis on simply knowing.  I am not saying that you should know the status of a person’s credit to use it against them or to cancel them out as a spouse. I am saying that it would be good to know what you are working with before you say “I do.” Those of us who are already married understand exactly why I am saying this.   Each person needs to be honest about their credit. Honesty allows a person to be able to make better choices.  In some pre-marital classes students are asked to provide a credit report so there are no surprises.  There is nothing like going to make a major purchase and discovering that you can’t make the purchase because of a poor credit history.   If your credit is good, purchases will be made easy.  If your credit is bad, purchases will be challenging.  The good news is that bad credit can be made good over time.

Credit is defined as the ability of a customer to obtain goods or services before payment, based on the trust that payment will be made in the future.  If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with a person, find out their belief and behavior (conduct) in reference to their credit.  Some were never taught about credit and the value of having good credit.  Therefore, poor choices are being made.  This is something that we should teach our children (especially our teens) as early as possible.  The sooner we learn, the better decisions we can make as we grow older.

Here are a few facts about credit that we should know:

• Credit History – A record of a borrowers responsible repayment of debts.
• Credit Report – A record of the borrower’s credit history from a number of sources including banks, credit card companies, collection agencies and governments.
• Credit Scores – The information on your credit report is used to generate credit scores which are called FICO scores.
• FICO – Fair Isaac Corporation is the largest and best known of several companies that provide software for calculating a person’s credit score.
• FICO scores are broken down into the following:
  • 30% Accounts owed
  • 35% Payment History
  • 10% New Credit
  • 15% Length of Credit History
  • 10% Types of Credit
• There are 3 major credit reporting agencies:  Equifax, Experian and Trans Union.  (You can request a credit report from any of these)

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

ps   (Follow me on Periscope:  Mon, Wed, and Friday around 6 or 7 @CarolynTatem)  This week we are discussing things you should know about your spouse/perspective spouse.

“A Wife Straight from God”

On Monday, I Periscoped about a woman/wife you DON’T want to be.  Today I want to share about a woman who every godly woman should want to be.  This is the type of wife that a godly  man wants to have.  However, she can only be found in the Lord.

Proverbs 19:13 (NKJV) says “Houses and riches are an  inheritance from fathers,  but a prudent wife is from the Lord.”  This verse lets us know that parents can provide their children with wealth, houses and land but there is one thing that they don’t have the power to give. A prudent wife comes from the Lord.  

What does it mean to be  prudent?  Are you a prudent woman/wife?  Let’s define prudent and learn the characteristics of a wife straight from God. A prudent woman/wife is . . .

•  Insightful
•  Intelligent
• Understanding
• Skillful
• Wise, speaks wisely
• Well judged, displays good judgment
• Sensible
• Shows care and thought for the future
• Advisable and well advised
• Sagacious (Having or showing keen mental discernment and good judgment)
• Shrewd – (Having or showing sharp  powers or judgment)
• Mentally sharp and clever
• Congenial – Adapted in spirit, feeling, temper, etc.  Also agreeable, suitable in character or pleasing in nature.

There is no way that a woman can display all of these characteristics on her own.  A prudent woman is one who has accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.  She loves the Lord and has a personal relationship with Him. Her desire is to please the Lord. As she yields her self to the Lord, He shapes and makes her prudent.  Therefore, she comes to her marriage instructed and taught by the Holy Spirit, God’s Word and by older godly women who walk in truth.  A prudent wife is a blessing from the Lord and any man who wants a woman of this caliber needs to be lead and guided by God.

PRAYER:  Lord please help us to spend regular time with you so that we can be the woman/wife who You want us to be.  Please make us and our daughters prudent.  Bless our sons to seek You for a prudent wife and our husbands to appreciate the prudent wife.   Amen!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

ps Feel free to join me this evening (Wednesday evening) on Periscope to discuss the Prudent Woman/Wife.  Periscope on Mon, Wed and Fri around 6 or 7. @CarolynTatem

“Is Your Conscience Clear?”

Have you ever did or said something and afterwards, your conscience was not clear?  You started thinking, I should not have done that or why did I say that? Perhaps you feel guilty and ashamed.  Maybe you have something that you are doing in secret that bothers your conscience.   God has given each one of us a conscience.  A conscience is defined as an inner feeling or voice viewed acting as a guide to the rightness or wrongness of one’s behavior.  In other words, it is a built-in sense of what’s right and wrong.   Is your conscience clear?

Acts 24:16 says “So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.” Our goal should be to keep a good/healthy conscience before God and man. A good conscience is satisfying to one’s soul and brings sweet peace.  There should be nothing in between our soul and our Savior.  God gave us the conscience as a warning system and it is up to us to pay attention to the warnings. We should not ignore it.

One of the keys to having a good/healthy conscience is having a close relationship with the Lord.  The more we pray, read, spend time with God and  have good conduct,  the better our conscience will be.  Spending time with God makes our conscience more sensitive to the things of God.  When people do not have a sense of God, His Word or His ways, their conscience is defiled.  Evil behavior and constantly yielding to temptation can easily turn a good conscience into a bad conscience.  Have you ever wondered how a person can just shoot, kill and move on with life as if nothing happened?  Their conscience has been defiled with God and man.

Our prayer should be for God to give us (our spouse, children, family, friends and everyone)  a good/healthy conscience.  “A healthy conscience discerns between good and evil, and it gets weighed down with guilt over wrong doing.  This sense of guilt should motivate you to take responsibility for your actions and seek forgiveness when you have done something wrong.”

The Benefits of a Clear Conscience (Reference:  Basic Life Institute)

 “A clear conscience enhances your relationships in every sphere of life and brings many benefits.”  Here are a few:  

A clear conscience gives you . . .

1. Power to over come temptation.
2. Prompts you to live honorably.
3. Alertness to make wise decisions.
4. Boldness to witness (unconfessed sins can make you ashamed).
5. Freedom to resolve conflicts and build friendships.
6. A firm foundation for the Christian life.

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

Is that the way you really want it?

“We should get a divorce.” “I’ll never get married.”  “You get on my last nerves.” I am tired of you.”  “I can’t take it anymore.” “She/He makes me sick.” “You’re going to worry me to death.” “I didn’t marry the right person.”  “Leave me alone.” “I’ll never lose the weight.” “You never. . .”  What do all of these statements have in common?  They are all negative!  As human beings, we have the tendency to speak negatively to ourselves and to others.   Let’s evaluate our words.  When you make a statement to yourself or to someone else, ask yourself, “Is this the way I really want it?”  If the answer is no, don’t say it!

Proverbs 18:21 says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”  Therefore, we must fill our life with positive words and not negativity. What have you been saying or texting lately?   Too much is at stake for us to walk around filling our conversations with things that we really don’t want to happen.  Do you realize that the world was created by words?  God spoke and the universe was created. (Hebrews 11:3). Imagine what we could create if we would learn to speak the right words.  On the other hand, think about what we are destroying by speaking the wrong words.  Learn the Word of God, speak the Word of God and pray the Word of God.  Speak things that you really want God to do.  Before you let words roll out of your mouth, stop and and ask yourself, “Is this really the way that I want it?”  If not, don’t say it!

As a person with the melancholy temperament, I am naturally inclined to be critical. Being critical often means that I see the negative before I see the positive.  Therefore, I have to work really hard to speak positively in spite of the negatives that I see.  It’s easy to operate from a negative place.  However, God wants us to walk in His Spirit and speak from a place of love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22)  We must be intentional about this when we talk to ourselves and to others.  How do you want to be remembered?

Negative statements are killing us, our marriages, children, family and friends.  Enough is enough!  Your words are very powerful! If you want a positive marriage, spouse, family, relationship or anything positive, you must speak positively!   Lord please forgive us for the negative words that we have spoken.  Help us to get rid of our stinking thinking and to speak words of life, not death.

Think about these statements:

“You become what you believe.”

“It’s impossible to produce anything positive when you’re sowing seeds of negativity.”

Until next week. . .

Carolyn

1 + 1 = 3

Our teachers taught  1 + 1 = 2.  However, when a husband and a wife begin multipying        1 + 1  = 3, 4, 5 and so on.   Psalm 127:3-5a tells us that, children are a gift from God and blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!  Many of the babies that were conceived in the winter are being born this summer.  When children come, relationships change. This week I want to share a few things to keep in mind after having children.  If you are not in this season, you may know someone who is, please share this with them.

There are several things that parents can do to  maintain  a great relationship after having children.  Maintaining requires a lot of juggling of your time and yourself.  Some parents do it well and some do not.  Here are four areas that I want to encourage all parents to maintain as they raise children and strive to maintain a successful marriage.

1.  Maintain your relationship with God – A newborn baby will often change your sleep pattern and your schedule.  In the midst of waking up throughout the night and getting the baby adjusted to life, be prayerful.  Talk to God while you are nursing, changing diapers and taking care of your children.  As they get older,  pray for them, pray with them and pray as a couple.   You teach your children how to have a relationship with God by your actions.  Make God a priority in your family through prayer, reading scripture and taking them to God’s house (church) on weekly basis.
2.  Maintain time for yourself –  I know this is difficult especially for moms who have a newborn baby and for those with multiple children.  Although children are gifts, they require a lot of time and attention.  As parents, it is easy to spend so much time meeting the needs of our children and neglect our selves.  I encourage all of the ladies to maintain your outward appearance.  Don’t make your children the reason that you do not maintain your hair or keep your self attractive.  Maintenance is very important.  My grandmother told me, “The same thing you did to attract your husband is the same thing that you need to do to keep him.”
3. Maintain time with your spouse – Remember your first baby?  That’s the one you said I do to.  As you love, adore and take care of your precious gift/s from God always remember your spouse.  Be intentional about having uninterrupted time together on a regular basis.   It may be the time that your children are sleep or it may be getting a baby sitter to come while you and your spouse have a date. I know it’s a challenge but it can be done.  Parents who don’t learn how to maintain time for each other while raising children can easily separate. Children learn all about love from our examples. What kind of example are you setting?
4. Maintain time as a family – There are so many demands on our time today.  However, we must make time to spend together as a family.  You can start by simply having your meals together at the table (without cell phones).  Get into each other’s world. Ask the basic question each day, “How was your day?”  Plan trips, go for a  walk/ride, spend time in the park, go to a movie or whatever, just do it together.

The enemy desires to steal and kill our marriages and our family. (John 10:10)  Don’t let him win.  Do everything that you can to maintain your marriage and your family.

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

Have you ever been offended?

One of the things that can kill a marriage, family relationship, friendship or even a relationship with a co-worker is when an offense takes place.  Many are offended but don’t know how to handle the offense.  As humans we are prone to handling offenses in a way that displeases God. To offend is to irritate, upset, disappoint, annoy or anger, to cause resentful displeasure.  It is also to emotionally disagree, to hurt or cause pain.  Have you been offended lately?  Maybe you haven’t been offended but you have caused someone to be offended?     I have been on both sides of the fence therefore, I decided to do a  mini study on dealing with offenses.

My daughter read a devotion on being offended and shared it with me.  She said mom,   “Being offended is a choice.”  One can simply choose to be offended or not be offended. It sounds so simple.(Out of the mouth of babes!)   God has given you the power to choose, no matter what a person says or does to you.  You have to choose!  This was eye-opening to me.  So when someone says something that hurts, you can instantly decide I am not going to be offended by that and keep it moving.    Don’t store it, don’t hold on to it and ask God to help you to release it quickly.  Can you imagine how many relationships that can be saved, if everyone would choose not to be offended?

God wants us to practice forgiveness when an offense takes place.  The enemy wants us to be offended and hold on to a grudge.  The opposite of being offended is forgiveness. Matthew 24:10 AMP says “And then many will be offended and repelled and will begin to distrust and desert (Him Whom they ought to trust and obey) and will stumble and fall away and betray one another and pursue one another with hatred.  The enemy is known for shooting out offenses to kill, steal and destroy.  However, as Christians we must not allow him to kill  our relationships and paralyze us by not forgiving.  Help us Lord!

While reading an article (sermoncentral.com) on being offended, I learned that an offense starts as a thought and thoughts are seeds that enter your mind.  “Seeds of offense are the beginning of developments of offense in our lives.  But we have the ability to refuse the thought or uproot the seed before an offense is fully grown in the garden of our hearts.”  The offense seed has four ways that it is sown.  We are prone to be offended by:

1. What others say to us.
2. What others did not say to us.
3. What others did to us (negative reactions and actions)
4. What people didn’t do for us (favor or assistance we did not receive)

When an offense seed is sewn, it produces bitterness (James 3:14-16).  Bitterness will grow and produce the fruit of resentment.  So when the seed is sown we must not allow it to germinate.  If it germinates you will be resentful and display it in what you say or what you do.  I could go on and on with this, but I will stop here.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will speak to each of us about this topic.  I pray that God will heal your heart if you have been offended and that He will show you where you have offended someone.  If you are the offender, repent, ask God and the person to forgive you. If you never get an apology, release it to God, choose to forgive and move on.    Remember you have a choice!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

How is your soul?

How is your soul?   Your soul is your mind, will and your emotions. It’s the entire being of a person.  One person’s soul is so powerful that it can affect many. This is evident by the terrible shooting that took place on Sunday in Florida.  Forty nine people have lost their lives and many families have been painfully impacted because of one soul.   One soul can affect many!  How is your soul?

I Thessalonians 5:23 says, “Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  God wants to save each one of our souls.  He wants us to invite Jesus Christ into our lives so that His Holy Spirit can completely control our soul (mind, will and emotions). Without the love of God in our soul, any of us are likely to do evil.  God wants to be involved with our entire life. He wants to be involved in your spirit, soul and your body.  Will you let Him in?

Let’s just focus on the soul. Anything that affects our mind, will and emotions will affect our behavior.  This is why we must nurture our souls with the Word of God every day.  If we are not feeding our mind with good things, it will go crazy and there will be no peace.  I am reminded of the verse that says, God will keep us in perfect peace when our minds are stayed on Him. (Isaiah 26:3)  So without our minds being focused on God, there is no perfect peace.  The mind is the part of the soul that holds the things that we know, our intellect.  The will involves our ability to choose, make decisions and exercise self-control. Our emotions are what we feel or experience.  God wants to be in control of it all, but we must allow Him in order to have a healthy soul.

An unhealthy or dysfunctional soul will do evil things not realizing the negative impact that it will have on ourselves or others.  We must be careful about what we do with our souls.  Guard your soul and be careful about who you get connected to. Unhealthy relationships can produce soul ties and unhealthy soul ties affect your every day life.  How is your soul?

Please join my husband and I as we discuss the soul, specifically the topic of “Soul Ties” on this Saturday, June 18th at First Baptist Church of Glenarden’s Ministry Center (6:30 PM) 3600 Brightseat Road, in Landover, MD.  Many are silently dealing with soul ties and may not even know it.  Come and bring a friend. I would love to see you there!

Until next week . . .

How was she/he when you met?

“I didn’t know it would be like this!  I thought he or she would change.  I saw him or her doing this while we were dating, but I thought he/she would stop.”  Staying the same can be one of the biggest let downs or the biggest blessings for newlywed couples.  If a person treats you nicely while dating and you like what you see,  you want them to continue being that way after marriage.  The worst thing would be to find out that they were a fake and changed after marriage.  However, when a person shows you exactly who they are while you are dating and you decide to marry them, you have got to believe that he/she will be the same person.  When I hear newlyweds sharing about all of the things that they don’t like, I have to ask,  “How was she/he when you met them?”

If you date a person who smokes, drinks, gambles, hangs out at the clubs, has problems maintaining a job and doesn’t attend church, what makes you think that they will change after marriage?  So many people go into the marriage with the hopes that a person will change and often times, when the change does not occur or it takes too long to occur, the person wants out!     This is really not fair.  They showed you who they were, you saw the signs and still said I do.  You told God and everyone who attended your wedding that you would love them for better or worst, richer or poorer as long as you both shall live.  If you are dating someone right now, pay attention to the person that is being displayed.  Be observant!  If you have already married the person know that God is able but change takes time.

Romans 3:23 tells us that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God so we know that there is no one perfect.  In other words, we all have issues. Everyone has their own personal set of issues.   However, when you are dating, you should spend time observing the issues and then ask yourself;  “Do I want to be married to these issues?”  If you decide to say yes, be prepared to deal with whatever the issues are. Remember, you can’t change him/her!  Change is a process, are you willing to wait on the process?  What will you do while you wait?  How will you behave?

The only person who specializes in causing people to change for the better is Jesus Christ. II Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new.”  I am a witness because He keeps on changing me.  Even though I have been a Christian for years, the more that I learn about God and the closer that I move toward Him, the more He changes me. He is constantly teaching me how to love more, be more kind, less critical, more generous, and I know that it is Him.  Change is difficult so don’t think you can come along and change a person. Many have tried to change their spouses, but they fail.   Having an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ is the only thing that I know works!  You can’t get closer to God and remain the same.  Try Him!     

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Have you ever been set up by God?”

     There are some places that God wants us to go that we may not go voluntarily, some things that God wants us to hear that we might not listen to voluntarily and some things that God wants us to do that we might not sign up for but when God wants you to go some place, hear something or do something, He has a way of setting you up so that you can do exactly what He wants you to do.  Do I have any witnesses?  To be set up is to be put in a specified position or arrangement place.  I was apart of one of God’s setups last week, and I want to share it with you.

     Last weekend my husband and I went to a wedding in Baltimore, Maryland.  After the wedding, everyone proceeded out of the church to get into their cars and drive to the reception.  A few of my husband’s co-workers were attending this wedding with their wives or significant other.  As we were on our way to our truck, we spoke to one of his co-workers.  Two seconds later, his co-worker discovered that his car was not in the place where he parked.  His car was gone.  He had parked directly across the street from the church.  No, it couldn’t be gone.  No one believed it.  Was it towed?  None of the other cars were towed.  We later find out that it had been stolen.  Can you believe this? While everyone was enjoying the wedding, some one was outside stealing a car.  It was a Honda Accord and we were told that this is one of the number one cars stolen.

     Long story short, my husband I stayed with the co-worker and his lady friend, let’s just call them Tim and Tracey  (they were not married).  It seemed as if the police would never get there so we offered Tim and Tracey a seat in our truck.  My husband and Tim work together but he had never met Tracey, and I was meeting them both for the first time. Since Tim’s car was stolen and we spent about 2 hours in front of the church waiting for the police to come.  We all began to talk and that is when I realized that this was all a set up.

     You see Tim and Tracey were very good friends.  They were not from the area but both moved here for work.  Tim had a place here and then Tracey moved to the area.  They live together and Tracey shared that she was praying that they would soon get married.  Tim didn’t seem to be against the idea, he just needed some encouragement and some guidance on preparing for marriage.  So what better people to be stuck in the car with then William and Carolyn Tatem.  If you know us, we have a passion for marriage and marriage preparation.  We were able to have a good conversation with Tim and Tracey to encourage them to get counseling and pursue God’s wonderful institution.  We were also able to share the resources that are available at our church.

     By the way, the police finally arrived and we were able to make it to the wedding reception.  We took Tim and Tracey to the reception and then drove them home.  By the time that we arrived home, Tim called to thank us and said that the police had found his car.  It was not far from the church.  It appeared as if someone went joy riding and left it around the corner from the church with no damage.  So the conclusion to the whole matter is that God allowed this to happen to get Tim’s attention.   Tim and Tracey were stuck in the car with us for over 2 hours.  They could have been stuck with anyone else because there were other co-workers present.  However, God had us to be the ones to stay with them.  We were able to get to know each other, talk about marriage and the need to prepare.  Tim and Tracey were very receptive and are making preparations. Sometimes God will orchestrate a set up to get your attention.

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

Experiencing Marriage Procrastination?

You have found Mr. or Mrs. Right, you have been knowing each other for years, you have dated, met most of the family members,  spent tons of time together and in some cases, you live together but for some reason, you have not married.  What is the hold up? Marriage is serious business and should not be entered into lightly.  Often times we talk about people who have rushed into marriage however, there are some who should be married but are procrastinating.

What is the reason for the procrastination? In some cases, one is ready but the other is not.   Sometimes its fear of failure or pain from a previous relationship.  Some have witnessed so many broken marriages with their parents or other family and friends until they are afraid to get married.   One day at church, I heard a teenager say, “Why get married when just about everyone gets a divorce?” (This was her reality)  Is it money? Some procrastinate because they want to have an elaborate wedding and have to save for years to have the wedding of their dreams. In some cases people should wait, but there are a few cases where people are simply procrastinating.

What makes procrastination easy?  When a man or woman is getting everything that they desire out of the relationship without marriage,  there is little or no incentive for getting married.  If you are already living together, sleeping together, eating together and acting as if you are married, what will motivate you to get married?  Prayerfully, you will want to make things right in God’s sight.  Last week, I mentioned the verse that says, he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22). Don’t you want the favor of the Lord?   This week,  I want you to remember that marriage is honorable  (Hebrews 13:4).

When you are ready to get married, don’t keep dating someone who does not want marriage.    How long will you allow the person to string you along?  You can’t make a person commit to you.  However, when both of you are ready, here are a few things that I would highly recommend:

1. Pray and ask God about the person that you would like to marry.  Be sure that God gives you a yes before you marry.  Pay attention to the signs.
2. If having a relationship with God and going to church is a priority for you, be sure that it is also a priority for your mate before marriage.
3. Be sure that your parents and authorities are in agreement with your choice.
4. Be sure to get premarital counseling.  Counseling will bring out things that you may have never thought about.  Some things should be ironed out before marriage.
5. Observe this person when they are happy, sad, stressed, and angry.
6. Evaluate how they make decisions, work ethics, spend/save money, and manage their household.
7. Observe how they treat their family and friends.  When you see red flags, do not ignore them!
8. Pray and seek godly counsel before entering God’s holy institution.

Until next week,

Carolyn