Marriage from A to Z

Do you pray with your spouse?

Do you ever let a day go by without talking?  Each day that you have breath in your body, you get up, start your day and at some point, you open your mouth to start talking.  You talk here, there and every where.  You talk to your spouse, friends, family, co-workers and even to strangers.  The question for this week is will  you talk to Jesus with your spouse?

It sounds crazy to even think about going through a day without talking doesn’t it?  It is even more crazy to let the day go by without praying with your spouse.  Prayer is simply talking to God. Take time to talk to God about your spouse, your children, your life, your decisions and your plans. God can accomplish so much in us,  our marriage and our relationships when we pray together. James 5:16b says, “. . .The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” Yes, you can pray alone but there is something so powerful about a husband and a wife coming together to pray.

Each time that you come together you are saying, “God we need you and we can’t do this marriage without you.”  Praying together with your spouse is a way to invite God into your every day marriage.  Marriage goes so much better when two people come together to talk to Jesus.  Matthew 18:20 says, “When two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”

Why Should You Pray With Your Spouse Every Day?

1. It pleases God
2. It invites God in your marriage
3. It brings you closer to your spouse
4. It strengthens your marriage and family
5. It changes things
6. It helps to increase intimacy
7. It blesses your sex life
8. It relieves stress and solves problems
9. It helps us to heal and forgive
10. It’s powerful!

Since the enemy knows all of this, he does everything that he can to keep a husband and a wife from praying together.  Don’t let him succeed with this in your marriage.   Little prayer, little power, much prayer, much power.  Pray with your spouse every day!

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

ps  I will be releasing a new book soon, “Embracing Excellence.” If you are in the metropolitan area, please meet me at Barnes & Noble (Bowie) on Wednesday, December 16th (6:00-8:00).  If you can not attend and would like to get a copy, you can  pre-order, going to carolyntatem.com and click on pre-order. Thank you for reading!

Do You Eat Your Meals At The Table?

We are running here, there and everywhere.  Everyone is on the go and very few families are taking time to eat their meals together at the table let alone preparing a home cooked meal.    When I first got married, my husband requested that we have 90 percent of our meals at the table.  I was in agreement with him and for over 17 years, we have been faithfully bringing our family to the table.  I didn’t know that it was biblical, beneficial and such a blessing!  Is your table being neglected?  If you and your family have not been taking the time to eat your meals together at the table, I want to encourage you start.

Did you know that God designed the first table?  In Exodus 25:23-30 God gave Moses the instructions for the first table to be made.  The table was created to be a tool that would bring people together and God promises to provide His presence at the table.  So if you haven’t been bringing your family to the table, I encourage you to look at the table differently.  Each time that you bring your family to the table, you bring them to Jesus.  His presence will meet you and your family at the table. If we are too busy to eat meals at the table or our schedules never allow us to come together, we are missing out on the blessings of coming to the table.

There are so many benefits to eating meals together at the table.  1)  The table is a tool used to help restore family relationships. The love that you give and the presence of the Lord at the table will help to restore and maintain relationships.  This was done several times throughout the Bible.  2) The table is one of the best places to express your love to your family.  3) Jesus used mealtime as a time for conversation so we can use the table to strengthen the communication in our family and other relationships. Studies have shown that there are proven benefits to eating at the table especially, for teens.  4) Teens who regularly share meals with their families are less likely to smoke, use alcohol and drugs, get into fights or think about suicide.  The study even says that  teens who eat at the table are more likely to delay sexual activity and do better academically than teens who eat separated from their families.

Practicing the Table Principle will be a blessing to your family.  Here are a few tips:

Tatem’s Table Tips

1. Make your table inviting
2. Pray together at the table (bless your meal and all of those at the table)
3. Light a Candle
4. Put some flowers on the table
5. Add Color (place mats, plates, napkins, table cloth, etc)
6. If you have kids, allow them to help set the table
7. Look into your family member’s eyes while you have conversation at the table (God will reveal things at the table)
8. Even if the meal is not a home cooked meal, eat it at the table
9. Ask about each other’s day at the table (What was a highlight or a challenge for today?)
10. Remember you can find nice tableware at the Dollar store
11. Eat at the table as often as you can
12. Invite guest to your table
13. Put away the cell phones, TV, or distractions and focus on the people at the table

Maybe you and your family can’t eat meals together at the table every day, but if you are intentional, you could probably increase the number of days.  It is unfortunate that despite the benefits, there is only a small percent of American families having their meals at the table six to seven days a week. The devil knows the benefits so his job is to keep our families away from the table.  Jesus wants to meet you and your family at the table.  Will you be present?

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“When Was The Last Time You Initiated?”

There is something that you know your spouse enjoys but instead of you initiating, you wait until they ask.  Sometimes if they don’t ask, it will not get done.   From household chores, helping with the children, cooking meals, running errands to intimacy, If you have been around your spouse for any length of time, you know what he or she likes and appreciates. This week’s challenge is to practice initiating the things that you know your spouse enjoys without them having to ask.

So what does it mean to initiate?  To initiate is to begin/start, set going or originate.  So think about the things that your spouse enjoys.  What can you do to bring joy to your spouse without being asked?  Is there anything that your spouse asked you to do some time ago but you never did it?  Think about it, this may be a good time to do it without being asked again.

When one initiates, it says that they were thinking about you.  They thought enough to act upon something specifically to bring joy or pleasure to their spouse.  It’s called being selfless instead of being selfish. In your flesh, you may not feel like initiating, but I am a witness that God will give you what you need to be a blessing to your spouse. Initiating works both ways so don’t let your spouse be the one who always initiates . . . surprise them and take the initiative.

If you are single.  You can use this principle to bless someone who would normally do something for you.  Surprise them and take the initiative to bless them.  If you can’t think of anyone, initiate some time with God in prayer and praise.  Don’t wait until you need something, just stop and give God your praise.

The key to initiating is preparing your mind.  Be prayerful and think good thoughts.  Focus on the good and have a spirit of gratitude. If you focus on the negative, you will talk yourself out of initiating.  God is the best initiator I know.  He provides and gives us blessings before we even ask for them. Let’s imitate Him!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Who Are You Married To?”

Why does my spouse act this way?  Why is she so controlling?  Why does it take him so long to make a decision?  How can she be so insensitive?  Why is he/she so messy?  These are just a few of the questions that one might ask when a person’s personality is manifesting itself in a relationship.  If you don’t know the personality that you married, you will not understand the answers to these questions.  One of the things that will cut down on arguments in a relationship, help you to understand each other, and why you do the things that you do is knowing you and your spouse’s personality.  Another name for it is your temperament.

Did you know that every person has inborn traits that subconsciously affects all of their behavior?  Research has proven that there are inborn traits given to us in our genes based on hereditary factors and are arranged at the time that we were conceived.

There are four basic personality types/temperaments.  Each one has a set of tendencies/strengths and weaknesses. One is not better than the other because all are needed each one has benefits and areas to work on.  Once a person knows the temperaments, they can better understand their selves, their spouse and everyone that they know.  Knowing the temperaments teaches us why people behave the way that they do. Now everyone has a dominant temperament, and you can also have a secondary.

Here are the four basic temperaments and a brief description of tendencies/strengths and weaknesses. The goal is to identify you and your spouse’s temperament.

1.  Sanguine – The Sanguine is often known as the life of the party.  This is the person who wants to have fun, is very friendly and has a great sense of humor.   Some of their strengths is that they are; outgoing, optimistic, spontaneous, enthusiastic, forgiving and compromising.  Their weaknesses are that they are; restless, weak-willed, great starters but slow finishers and many of their actions are based upon their feelings.  They can also be unstable, messy,outspoken, poor at financial planning.  Since they are very friendly, they may come off as flirtatious.
2. Choleric – The Choleric personality is very strong and powerful.  This is often the person who is a leader and wants to control.  They are not discouraged easily because they are determined, optimistic, outgoing, outspoken, team player, decisive and adventurous.  They want to feel accomplished.  Their strengths also include being goal-oriented. Their weaknesses are that they may be hard, impatient, lack compassion, and over committed, They think they are always right and they struggle for control.
3. Melancholy – The Melancholy can come off as Mr. or Mrs. Perfect!  Their goal is do every thing perfectly.   They make good friends because they are faithful and self-sacrificing.  They are usually neat, punctual, mindful of important dates and they like to have things in good financial order. They are also big on education.  Their weaknesses include; being too critical, moody, analyze too much, struggle with depression and struggle with forgiveness because they will keep records of your wrongs. By the way, this is my temperament (lol!)
4. Phlegmatic – The Phlegmatic is one who is often cool and calm.  They just want to have peace! This is truly my husband’s personality.  Their strengths are that they are good under pressure, witty, dependable and they enjoy humor.  Also, they are stable and content.  Some of their weaknesses are that they may appear to be lazy, critical, not goal oriented, unemotional and strong-willed.

Regardless of what our natural tendencies, strengths and weaknesses are, we must all strive to be controlled by God’s Holy Spirit and behave in a way that pleases Him. So let’s not use our natural born weaknesses as excuses to act up or mis-treat others.  The key to not operating in the weaknesses is being led by God and obedient to His Word.

For more information, I recommend that you read Spirit Controlled Temperaments by Tim LeHaye.  There is also a book on temperaments specifically for women called the Spirit Controlled Woman by Beverly LaHaye. If you are interested in a personality assessment or connecting with a certified Personality trainer my friend Karen Ward can help you at http://www.beyondtwollc.com/beyond-two.html.

Until next week . .  .

Carolyn

What is the purpose of marriage?

“I want to be married!”  “I can’t wait to get married!”  I am sure that you have heard these two statements from someone or perhaps you said them yourself.  So many want to be married but few know God’s purpose for marriage.  God has a purpose and a plan for everything.  Have you ever wondered what is His purpose for marriage?  Is your marriage fulfilling God’s purpose? Let’s see!

The following are four purposes for marriage:

1. Mirror His Image – (Genesis 1:27) “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”  Contrary to what the world may say, this scripture says that God made a male and female in His image.  Marriage is to reflect the relationship that Christ has with His bride, the Church.  A marriage between a husband and a wife was meant to bring glory and honor to God.  Husbands are to love their wives just like Christ loved the church.  Marriage is God’s institution and He created a male and female to come together and be a reflection of Him.  What do people see when they see your marriage? Our marriages should be so attractive that we make others want to know Christ.  It’s an opportunity to display Christ to our friends, family, co-workers and neighbors.
2. Multiply a Godly Seed – (Genesis 1:28) “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it;”  Another purpose for marriage is that a husband and wife would be fruitful and multiply.  Sex was made for married people to multiply. It is a blessing to be able to multiply however, multiplying Godly seeds should be the goal.  This means that we are not just bringing babies into the world, we are being intentional about making disciples for Christ.  In addition, it doesn’t have to mean physically giving birth.  Couples can also fulfill this purpose by sharing the gospel with others to make followers of Christ. Just because you don’t have children doesn’t mean you can’t be fruitful and multiply. However, if you do give birth, know that God wants you to teach them about Him.   How much are you teaching your children about God?  What kind of example are you living before your children?  Can they learn how to love and live for God by watching you?
3. Manage His Creation – (Genesis 1:28) “Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”  God gave us responsibilities here on earth.  We are to be good leaders. We are to care for the animals that He has placed on earth.   Each of us have an assignment and a job to do. This purpose reminds us that God created us to work.  He gave us different gifts, skills and talents to work and manage things on earth.
4. Mutual Companionship – (Genesis 2:18) “And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”  God knows how He made us.  He knew that we would need a companion. So He created marriage for a male and female to come together as one.  When a man and a woman get married they enter into  covenant with God and this should not be broken.  This union was meant to last unto death.  Therefore, serious thought should be given before marrying anyone.  Ask yourself, “Am I willing to stay with this person through sickness and health, for better or worst, richer or poorer?  Will he/she be a good companion for me?”  If not, don’t marry.

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Will You Answer the Call?”

Ring, ring, ring!  Jesus is calling!  Will you answer?  Have you already answered?  God is calling you to do what He created you to do.

In Jeremiah 1:4 God called Jeremiah and said, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”    Did you know that God knew you, just like he knew Jeremiah? He knew you long before you were born or even conceived.  He knows us better than we know ourselves.  God thought about you and planned for you to be on this earth.  Each day that He gives you breath is a reminder that He has a plan and a purpose for your life.  Are you fulfilling the purpose?

You were fearfully and wonderfully created!  Whenever you feel discouraged or inadequate, you must remind yourself that you are valuable to God, and that He has a plan and a purpose for your life.  Jeremiah was appointed by God as a prophet to the nations.  Each of us have been called by God to do something.  However, throughout the Bible, we see that some people are appointed by God for specific kinds of  work such as; John the Baptist, Paul, David and Sampson.

Jesus is calling each one of us and my question to you is; “Will You Answer the Call?”  Whatever work you do, it should be done to give glory and honor to God (Philippians 1:1)  While you are doing whatever God has called you to do, I encourage you to do it cheerfully and with diligence.  For each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Corinthians 9:7) If you don’t know what God has called you to do here are a few things that He has called ALL believers to do:

1.  Love God and love people
2. Obey God, stop making excuses and do what He has told you to do
3. Serve God by serving others
4. If you are married, He has called you to be a good husband or a good wife
5. If you have children, He has called you to be a good example and to train your children
6. If you are single, He has called you to be married to Him
7. Tell some body about God, be a light in this dark world

While you are doing these things, God will lead you and guide you into other things.  For many years I have practiced these principles in my life and now, I am officially answering the call of God.  On next Tuesday, October 13, 2015, I (along with 9 other servants of God) will be licensed as a Minister at the First Baptist Church of Glenarden @7:00 PM.  All are welcome to come and help me celebrate what God has done and is going to do.  To God be the glory!

Until next week!

Carolyn

“How to Survive in A Storm?”

Some call it a storm, some call it rain and some call it spiritual warfare.  It all refers to challenging, difficult and troublesome times that we all must face in life.   These times can be so difficult and challenging that if you are not careful, you can allow them to destroy you, your marriage and your family.  You have to learn how to survive in the storm so that when the tough times come, you don’t take off running, but you learn how to get tougher.

Getting tougher means to become strong, durable and to not easily be broken.  Every marriage will experience some storms at some point.  The problem is that many don’t know how to survive in the storm so they walk away, quit or even ask for a divorce.  I know we would love to have good times ALL of the time, but the truth of the matter is that storms will come.  However, you can survive and successfully make it through a storm.

Storms come with different names, just to name a few:  1) Storm of sickness, 2) Storm of financial challenges, 3) Storm of children in trouble, 4) Storm of losing your job, 5) Storm of relationship issues and 6) Storm of dealing with death.  Now there are various storms that come our way but no matter what comes your way, know that God is bigger than the storm and with His help, you can make it successfully through.

Here’s How You Can Survive In A Storm?

1. Spend daily time in God’s Word and Prayer – You must use your spiritual weapons to survive in a storm.  (2 Corinthians 10:4)
2. Focus on the promises of God instead of the problem – Find promises in God’s word to comfort and strengthen you through your storm.  For every storm, there is a promise in God’s word.  For example; if you are going through a financial storm,  you have to feed yourself with God’s promises. “But my God will supply ALL of my needs according to His riches in glory.”  (Philippians 4:19)
3. Every time your mind wants to think the worst, put your mind on God’s promises.  He said that He would keep us in perfect peace when our minds are stayed on Him.  (Isaiah 26:3)
4. Establish some accountability – Share your storm with someone who will encourage you spiritually and pray with you while you are going through the storm.
5. Be consistent in going to church/Bible study – One of the tricks of the enemy is to get us isolated.  He doesn’t want you to have strength in the storm so he will discourage you from coming to church.  However, keep going because the joy of the Lord is your strength.  (Nehemiah 8:10)
6. Believe God! – Know that this too will past.  Storms don’t last but tough people do!  Remind yourself that nothing is too hard for God. (Jeremiah 32:17)
7. Be careful how you treat others while you are in the storm – I know a storm doesn’t feel good, but don’t mistreat your spouse, children, friends or family in the process. Continue to love!  Be careful about what you say out of your mouth.

I don’t know about you, but I have been through some storms and each time, God has brought me through. No matter what your storm is, God is faithful!.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  You can make it through the storms of life.  Be encouraged!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Did You Kiss Your Spouse Today?”

A few weeks ago my husband and I were driving to a restaurant in DC for a date night.  We found a parking space a little ways away from the restaurant, so we had to walk a couple of  blocks to get to our destination.  While we were walking, we passed by one restaurant that had seating outside.  There was a couple sitting outside passionately kissing at the table. The kiss was so passionate that I thought, “they need to take that to a private room.”  I also thought, they probably aren’t married, but why did I think that? That’s not a good thought.  However, I had to check myself and ask, “when was the last time that you passionately kissed your husband?”  Any type of kiss is a blessing (a kiss on the cheek, a quick kiss on the lips or a passionate long kiss) but this week I want to challenge all of the married couples to take your kissing to another level.

Did you know that kissing is beneficial?  Something as simple as joining your lips and your tongue with your husband or wife on a daily basis can be so beneficial.  Kissing is powerful!  The more affectionate and passionate you are with the kiss the better.  But why is it that we see young people or young couples passionately kissing in public, on television but rarely see married couples passionately kissing?  It’s like after we have been married for a while we take each other for granted.  Often times, married couples are doing the bare minimum with a good-bye/hello kiss and some are not kissing at all. Let’s work on this and start kissing frequently, longer and more passionately. Have fun with it!

Now before you take on this challenge, there are a few things that you should do before kissing.  My husband says he doesn’t care about this but I do. (LOL!)  Be sure that you have fresh breath.  If possible, brush your teeth, use mouth wash, put a mint in your mouth or chew some gum to freshen your breath.  Stinky breath is a good way to turn off the kissing mood.

Research has found that kissing is good for your health.   Based on various studies, here are a few benefits to kissing.

1. Kissing is fun!
2. Kissing helps to reduce blood pressure.
3. Kissing relieves cramps and headaches.
4. Kissing helps to fight cavities.
5. Kissing increases your happy hormones.
6. Kissing burns a few calories .  You can burn 8 to 16 calories per smooch.
7. Kissing boosts self-esteem.
8. Kissing can stimulate you to be even more intimate.  (This is why I am specifically encouraging married couples to take the kissing to another level) I don’t encourage passionate premarital kissing.

In conclusion, kissing is a great way to express love and affection to your spouse.  Song of Solomon 1:2 says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth; for thy love is better than wine.”  Make your spouse’s day and kiss like its your last time!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Do You Have a War Room?”

Many of us went to see the powerful movie “War Room” and left the theater inspired. But how many of us actually have a war room? Every one of us need to be prepared to handle the various wars of life. We have to learn to fight for our marriages, families, finances, good health and any other area that may be a challenge.

What is a war room?

A war room can be any room that allows you to pray and spend undisturbed time with God.  It can be an entire room, closet or area of space where you can spend some quality time with God. If you don’t already have this place in your home, I encourage you to declare a war room this week. It is a good thing to have a designated spot and use it for regular time with God.

Where and Why should you have a war room?

Over the past 8 years my war room has been in my closet, before then, I have used the bathroom or any spot where I could spend time with God without distractions. The early morning is my favorite time with God.  During this time, I have been able to take so many of my battles, concerns, issues and feelings to God  in prayer. Not only have I taken my battles, I have also prayed for battles of my friends and family.  It’s always beneficial to spend time with the Almighty God! Victory, power, wisdom, strength, insight and success come from spending time in the war room.

No matter what you may be facing right now, be encouraged to be persistent and consistent with going to your war room. Don’t wait until you have a crisis to enter your war room, make it a regular discipline.

Weapons for the War Room

One of the most powerful weapons to take in the war room is the (BIBLE) Word of God! Learning to pray scripture over your life, family or your situation is so powerful. God loves when we pray His Word. I also find it very helpful to use a journal, and write my prayers with scripture.  As displayed in the movie, some bring pictures to pray over the person or issue of concern.

Maybe your life is wonderful right now and you don’t see the need for a war room. As the old folks would say, “keep living!”

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:12‬ ‭
Until next week . . .
Carolyn

“Do You Really Enjoy Being With Your Spouse?”