Marriage from A to Z

How to Take Your Wife to Another Level

      Over the past couple of weeks, my husband has made a commitment to do something that has really blessed me! It has encouraged me, inspired me and helped to take me to another level spiritually.  It all started when one of the ministers of our church expounded on Ephesians 5:25 & 26.  “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.”  This week’s message is especially for the husbands or those who are preparing to be a husband.   This verse gives husbands the key to taking their wife to another level spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and intimately. (smile)

      As the minister expounded on this passage, he shared how there are times when he and his wife are not getting along.  Each time that they argue or have a disagreement, he wants to point the finger at his wife, but God has him to look at himself.  When he takes time to  look at himself, he sees something that God wants him to do that will bless his wife.   He challenged all of the husbands to apply this verse to their marriage by “washing your wife with the word.” In his experience, washing his wife with the Word of God has blessed his wife and has therefore, blessed him. He said, sometimes you wonder why your wife is not treating you right or why she is not acting right and here is the question, “Have you been washing her with the word?”  When a husband learns to wash his wife with the Word, he will take time out of his day, every day to pray with his wife and read God’s Word to her.  God has given husbands the key in Ephesians 5:25 & 26, but husbands must discipline themselves to use the key.

     Please note that this is not something that is done in anger or done to bring correction to a wife.  This must be done with the right tone, mood and it must be done in love.   When a husband lovingly, prays and washes his wife with the word, he blesses her, and she will bless him.

    Some years ago, my husband made the commitment to pray with me every day.  It has been the glue that holds our marriage and our family together.  “A family that prays together, stays together.” However, after hearing the testimony of the minister and embracing the challenge, my husband decided to take things to another level by washing me with the Word of God.  So for the past few weeks he has been praying and reading scripture to me. You see, he thought, because I read the word myself, he didn’t need to read it to me. Oh but I am here to tell you, there is something special about a husband reading the scriptures to his wife.  The Word of God is powerful!  I am sharing this because its good, and it has blessed me in such a way that I hope others will be blessed. It’s funny how something that only takes 2-3 minutes a day can be so powerful and effective.  It blesses me every day!

     Being washed with the word helps my stinking thinking, blesses my attitude, helps me to feel loved and makes me want to love my husband more.  I am witness that washing your wife with the Word of the God is a winner! Calling ALL husbands who love their wives and care enough to want to see them grow, glow and go to another level to read and apply Ephesians 5:25 and 26 EVERY day!

     p.s.  I can hear the voice of the ladies who say, I wish my husband would do this.  Put this on your prayer list and allow God to put it in your husband’s heart.  Be encouraged, because God is able!

“Speaking Beneficially”

     Last night, I was having a conversation with a friend  who was asked a question about another friend, but she didn’t want to answer.  She didn’t want to answer, because her response would have caused the hearer to think negatively about her friend. I was so blessed by the fact that she was careful not to say anything that would cause one friend to look down on another. Often times we speak and share information that is not beneficial to the hearer.  This week I would like to focus on what we are saying to our spouse, children, potential spouse, family and friends.  The question that you should ask before speaking is; “Is It beneficial?” If not, stop yourself before it comes out.

     This is a very important topic, because marriages and relationships are dieing as a result of pollution from the tongue.  If we constantly speak words that are foul, unwholesome, negative or just don’t have anything good to say to those who are around us, we will cause people to not want to be around us.  Imagine if this person is your spouse or your child.  Saying things to someone or about someone that are not beneficial is dangerous. It’s also dangerous when we say these things to ourselves.   Our words can tear down the hearer, cause them to think negatively or badly about someone.

       So what does it mean to speak beneficially? I am so glad that you asked. (smile) Speaking beneficially means saying something that is advantageous or good to someone or about someone.  As a child, I remember being told, “If you can’t say something good, then don’t say anything at all.”  We should think about this, and be intentional about speaking beneficially to our spouse, children, potential spouse, family and friends.

     Today, my Amplified Bible opened to Ephesians 4:29, when I read this verse, it was a confirmation that God wants us to speak beneficially.  It says, “Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.”  Read this verse at least 3 times so that you can get it in your spirit.  Pray and ask God to help you to apply it.  My prayer is that God would forgive me for the times that I have not spoken beneficially.

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

“Are You Enjoying or Enduring?”

     Each day that God allows you to see, breathe, and move, you have a choice.  You can just endure life or you can enjoy life!  The difference is just a matter of how each person deals with what they have been given.  You must decide what your attitude will be each day. For the singles, I want to encourage you to be intentional about enjoying your life!  My focus for this week is on enjoying marriage.  So, let’s take the same statement about life, and apply it to marriage.  Marriage should be enjoyed, and not just endured.

       To endure is to bear without resistance or with patience and tolerance.  If you are going through, be encouraged and know that with God’s help you can endure.  I Corinthians 13:7 says, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.  However,  there are so many people who are enduring and not enough people enjoying this wonderful institution called married.  We don’t have to look very far to find or hear about a marriage in trouble.  So let’s focus on the opposite.

     God meant for marriage to be enjoyed!  To enjoy is to experience with joy, to take pleasure in and to have satisfaction.   I can honestly say that after almost 17 years, I am still enjoying my marriage.  Marriage should be a vibrant relationship between two people who love each other.  When God is in the marriage, we should never run out of love or whatever we need to keep the marriage going.  God is love, and He has an abundant supply.  If we keep going to Love (God), we can consistently get everything that we need.  There should never be a shortage.  A marriage relationship should be filled with passion, commitment, understanding and grace. Marriage was meant to illustrate the love that Christ has for the church.

     Do you have that kind of love in your marriage?  If so, keep enjoying your marriage! If not, it can be cultivated.   No matter how long you have been married, there is hope!  When a marriage is nourished, cherished and given the attention that it needs, it can be enjoyed!    Wake up each day and thank God for the spouse that God has given to you.  Remember to treasure each day with each other.  Find something good to focus on. Do something fun, send a sweet text, cook a nice meal and ENJOY!

Until next week  . .  .

Carolyn

“Keep God In It!”

                                                                                                 



     Did you know that God wants to be involved in your marriage everyday?  He cares about you, your spouse and your family.  He made marriage, and He loves when we invite Him in.  Unfortunately, many of us wait until we are in a crisis to invite God in.   Some of the situations and challenges that we face could be different, if we would keep God in it!   

     One of the tricks of the enemy is to make us feel like we can do marriage without God.  If he can get us to go without praying, reading God’s Word and to skip going to church, he can make us feel isolated.  In pre-marital counseling, I remember hearing that, Isolation + Separation = Divorce. This formula is true in our relationship with our spouse and with God. Once a person starts to isolate themselves and separate from the things of God, they are more likely to divorce  God. Notice I said, they divorce God. God will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  I am so glad that God would never divorce us.  

     Marriage is God’s wonderful institution, but it takes work. As Pastor Jenkins often says, “marriage is a character builder.”  Allow God to build your character and hang in there.  Know that all things work together for the good to those who love God.  Be faithful to God, and He will be faithful to you.  This week’s message is simple, “Keep God in It!

Until next week…

Carolyn

“Don’t Stop Dating!”

      One of the things that many couples have in common is that, their relationship started with a first date.  If you like the person, the first date turns into a second, a third and so on.  Usually, each person takes time to look their best and be on their best behavior.  Time is spent trying to get to know the person better and better.  After several dates, a man and a woman may decide that marriage is their destination.  The problem that often arises is that the couple gets married, stop dating or have very few dates. This week, I want to encourage married couples to keep dating.

      I can clearly see how a couple can stop dating. When life isn’t going the way that we would like, we stop dating.  When the job demands more of our time, we stop dating.  When finances get tight, we stop dating.  When children come on the scene, we stop dating. Dating your husband or your wife is essential to the development of a healthy and a happy marriage. Dating can be very beneficial, because it helps to increase relationship satisfaction. Your spouse should be your top human PRIORITY!  Therefore, we must be willing to invest regular, consistent one on one time.  God has given us a limited amount of time to enjoy and treasure each moment.

      Valentine’s day was last month, but we must continue to keep the romance and special dates going.  Your husband/wife should not have to wait until the next special day to go out on a date.  My husband and I managed to get two dates in this past weekend.  It was great!  On the first date, we went out for dinner, and the second date was the two of us staying home to watch a movie together. This was a real treat, because we are always on the go.  I have found that dates can be as fancy or as simple as you like.  The key is, spending one on one time together.  We must be intentional about making time for each other, listening to each other, enjoying each other’s company and looking into each other’s eyes.

   In conclusion, I am calling all husbands/wives to put a date on the calendar, and make it happen. Be creative, keep it fresh and have fun!    Don’t stop dating!  For all of the singles who are dating, be sure to collect as much data as you can.  Pray and seek God during the dating days.  Listen for God to reveal and to give you wisdom for making the right choice. The more data that you collect before marriage, the better your marriage can be.

Here are a few dating ideas: (Check the web for more ideas)

1. Have a breakfast, lunch or dinner date
2. Go to a show, movie or a play
3. Simply go for a ride or take a road trip
4. Work out or play a  sport together
5. Cook a meal together
6. Try something new together
7. Sign up to take a class together
8. Play a game together
9. Have a spa treatment together
10. Dance together
11. Enjoy the out doors together, take a walk or plan a picnic (when the weather gets better

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

“For Better or For Worse”

     Last week, I had a conversation with a wife who said she was experiencing one of the worse seasons of her marriage. Her husband lost his job, their finances are, tight and she is doing without many of the luxuries that she has always had. She also mentioned that, there have been some family and friends who have encouraged her to leave her husband. In spite of what people are saying, she is encouraged to keep her vows and stay with her husband for better or for worse.

     Many of us have been to weddings and have heard the bride and groom say, “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live.”  If you are married, you probably said these words yourself. I remember saying these exact words in front of all of the witnesses who attended my wedding. If you are single and planning to get married, I encourage you to really process what this means before you say, “I do!”   This week, I want to focus on the words, “For Better or Worse.”

      First of all, when we are dreaming of getting married and planning that beautiful wedding, we often think about things getting better, but not things getting worse.  Our society focuses on staying in a marriage as long as things are better. When the worse comes, we see very few people staying.  As a matter of fact, many separate and divorce as soon as the first challenge comes their way.

     The word better is defined in many different ways.  Better means of superior suitability, advisability, desirability acceptableness, larger, greater, improved, in a more appropriate, acceptable way or manner.  To be better off means that we are in more fortunate and happier circumstances.  Worse is defined as bad, evil, wicked, unfavorable, in less good condition, a disadvantageous manner or not good in any manner or degree.  A real marriage has some good (better) days and some bad (worse) days. With the help of Almighty God, you can make it through the good and the bad.  I am a witness!

     God created marriage to be a covenant relationship.  In Malachi 2:14 a wife is described as a companion and also as a wife by covenant.  This means that God intends for us to have a permanent partnership with our husband/wife. If you are married, be encouraged to be committed for better or for worse.  If you are planning to get married, be sure that you are willing to be permanently committed.  With God, ALL things are possible!

Until next week. . .

Carolyn

Are You Really Communicating?

     Have you ever said something to your mate and thought you made yourself clear only to find that they really didn’t hear you?  Maybe they heard you, but didn’t really understand you. It’s another story when they have heard you, understood you, and still choose to do the opposite.   One of the most common reasons for divorce is problems with communication.  A lack of communication is a problem, and saying a lot of the wrong things is another problem.   Just because you are talking, doesn’t mean that you are communicating.  Real communication can help to save a dying marriage, friendship or any relationship. This week, I want to share some communication tips that I have found to be helpful from day to day.

1. Create a safe place.  This means both you and your spouse feel comfortable talking about anything.  Both should be free to share without being penalized later.  Also, be sure that you are physically in a good place to talk.  Sometimes the conversation may need to wait.
2. Follow the 3 step Communication process (1. Express, 2. Listen and 3. Respond)   Pray before you      communicate and definitely before you respond.
3.  Be honest.  Be truthful about what you are feeling and thinking.  Not being honest, kills real communication.
4. Communicate briefly throughout the day.   For example:  Talk before you leave home, touch base around lunch time, and maybe one more time before coming home.  These can be short conversations or even a text.  The point is, to not let an entire day go by without communicating and connecting.  If you learn to do this, it can make life a lot better when you get home  in the evening.  There is something special about connecting throughout the day, that makes intimacy easier at night.
5.  When you are about to have a serious conversation, pray before you start talking.
6.  Don’t allow days to go by without communicating.  When something bothers you, pick a good time to sit down and  communicate.  Often times couples are holding on to things that happened months ago.
7. Realize that you will not always get your way, and that sometimes you and your spouse will not see eye to eye. You may have spent hours in conversation, but still can’t come to a happy solution.  This is were you have to agree to disagree, and be willing to move on.
8. Be careful about the conversations that you have in front of your children.  Often times, they can not handle adult conversation.  It may affect them in ways that you will never know.
9. Attack the problem, not each other.  Don’t get into name calling, because when the argument is over, the other person still remembers the name that you called them.  It’s real hard to be intimate with someone who has called you a bad name.
10. When you have said the wrong thing, admit it and ask for forgiveness.

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Do You Have True Love?”

        Is your love true or false?   “I love you!” are the wonderful words that everyone wants to hear before they decide to get married. A wedding takes place, and they each say their vows before a crowd.    After the wedding, life has a way of changing and bringing unexpected challenges.  For example; the death of a parent, a close loved one or a friend, a loss of a job, loss of a child, sickness or simply learning something about your spouse that you did not know.  These challenges will often test your love for each other.  Any one can say, “I love you” when everything is great, but what are you saying when things are not so great?

       False love will let you down.  It does not endure, it will not be there when you really need it to be,  It can’t be trusted.  It is overly sensitive and gets angry quickly.  It hurts, and it can lead to destruction, divorce and disappointment.  “True” love makes healthy marriages, families and lasting relationships.  It is defined in first Corinthians 13:4-13.  Let’s check out some of the characteristics of “True” Love:

1. Love suffers long and is kind
2. Love does not envy
3. Love does not parade itself
4. Love is not provoked
5. Love thinks no evil
6. Love does not rejoice in iniquity
7. Love rejoices in the truth
8. Love bears all things
9. Love believes all things
10. Love hopes all things
11. Love endures all things
12. Love never fails

God is Love and “True” love can only come from having a relationship with Him.  Without God, it would be impossible to live out I Corinthians 13.   God is the only one who can help us to truly love when our flesh wants to give up, cut a person off or just be mean.  When you feel like you are running out of love and have given all that you can give, go to God (Love) and get a fresh supply.  He never runs out.  Allow God to give you “True” love.

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Have You Given Any Flowers Lately?”

     Have you ever heard the saying, “Give people their flowers while they can smell them?”  I interpret this two ways. First, this statement can mean exactly what it says.  Think about someone who you love or appreciate and give them flowers while they are alive to smell them.   Second, take the time to tell people how much you love and appreciate the things that they do.  You can do this without spending a lot of money by writing a love letter or sending a card to express your love and appreciation for someone. Often times people wait until they are attending a person’s funeral to express their love and appreciation.  The problem with this is that,  the person can not hear or smell the flowers given.

     On Saturday, I had the pleasure of attending a 70th Birthday Celebration for my mother-in-law.  Just about everyone who attended stood up to verbally express their love and appreciation for this special lady.  It was amazing that one person could be so much and do so much for so many people.  From the youngest children attending to the adults, everyone was able to share how this special lady has blessed and impacted their lives in such a positive way.  She has given birth to seven children and has many grand children.   Some how, she makes it her business to share her love, time and service to each one. Although many live a few hours away from her, she makes her rounds to visit and to serve in whatever way that she can.  It was beautiful to see family and friends giving her flowers while she can smell them.

     This week I want to encourage you to be intentional about giving flowers to your loved ones and the people who have done things that you really appreciate. Since February is often considered the “Love” month, let’s be intentional all month. Take time to send a letter, a card or actually purchase some flowers to express your love and appreciation for something that they have done, is doing or for simply being.  Think about the person who has blessed you in some way or impacted your life in a great way.  Maybe they gave you their time, commitment or encouragement at just the right time.  Now is the time to say: “thank you, I love you, I appreciate you and express how you really feel.”  Perhaps your life or your situation would be totally different if this person would not have impacted your life in such positive way.  Sometimes people don’t realize that they have been a blessing to you.  This is why, you must tell them, show them and express your appreciation. Give them their flowers while they can smell them.   Don’t delay!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Can I Have Your Undivided Attention?”

Cell phone, cell phone, cell phone!  Have you ever had dinner with someone, and they were constantly checking their cell phone?  Maybe someone was trying to have a conversation with you, but as soon as you heard the sound of a new message, your attention went away from the person right in front of you and onto your phone.  How many of you know what I am talking about?  I know because I have been on both sides of the fence.  This week I want to encourage you to give your undivided attention. Wherever you go, be FULLY present.  I realize that this can be a challenge, but we must work hard to achieve this goal, because not being FULLY present over time, can destroy a relationship.

Achieving this goal may require putting your phone down, turning the cell phone off or waiting until you are alone to check your phone.  Realize that you do not have to answer every call and text right away.  Be intentional about connecting with the person who is in your presence.  Ask questions that will stimulate conversation.  Have you ever seen a table where everyone had their heads down, and their eyes on their cell phones, and no one was talking? Some of our youth don’t know how to initiate or carry  a conversation because less is being said.  Correction, not just our youth, some adults too!

It has been said many times; “One of the greatest gifts that you can give is your undivided attention.”  When we pay more attention to our phones than to the person right in front of us, we are taking a few things for granted:  1) We assume that it is alright with the person or we just don’t care.  2) We are not valuing the precious time that we have in that person’s presence. What if this is their last conversation or your last time in their presence?  We really don’t know. 3) I know we don’t like to think of it this way, but it really shows a lack of respect. (ouch!)

Giving your undivided attention means you are spending time in a person’s presence without sharing your attention with something or someone else.  In this case, your cell phone.  It could also be the television that is stealing your attention from your loved ones.  Don’t cause your loved ones to starve for your attention, give it to them. Your husband, wife, son, daughter, significant other or any human being is valuable, and each of us must value the time that we get to spend in their presence. If we don’t value their presence, someone else will.  We must bring our ears, eyes and heart to the relationship. Take time to see, hear and feel what is being said.  This is the value of talking to someone in person.  When we rely on a text, email or a phone conversation to communicate, we may not get a full understanding of what is really being said,

God ALWAYS gives us His undivided attention, we must do the same with others.  Wherever you go, be fully present.  Remember, people appreciate when you give your undivided attention!

Until next week. . .

Carolyn