Marriage from A to Z

“Why Marriage?”

     One day I was in the lady’s room at church and over heard two teenage girls talking.  One of the girls was telling her friend that there was no need for marriage because, “all people do is get a divorce.”  She said, “Why should you pay to get married and then pay to get a divorce?.  You can just have a man and not get married.”  I was really disturbed by this conversation and felt like I should have interrupted their conversation with God’s purpose for marriage but I didn’t.  I am sorry to say that I missed that opportunity but left with insight on how many of our teens and some adults feel about marriage.

     When I was a teenager, I can remember dreaming about having a wedding and getting married.  However, I really didn’t know God’s purpose for marriage.  I just knew that I wanted to get married and have a permanent date.  Since spring and summer are prime times for weddings, this week I want to talk about God’s purpose for marriage.  I really didn’t learn God’s purpose until I received pre-marital counseling and later took a Homebuilder’s Marriage course.  So, if you would like to get married or know someone who is about to get married this week’s post is perfect for you.  If you are already married, I hope that this week’s post will serve as a reminder to you.  Take time to evaluate your marriage and see if it is fulfilling God’s purpose for marriage.

     Marriage is God’s holy institution.  God created marriage as a covenant relationship between one man and one woman. The whole idea of marriage came from God.  He designed marriage to last forever, “till death us do part!”  He designed marriage to be a priority relationship.  This means that after God, your spouse is the most important person in your life.  He meant for a man and a woman to be united as one.

    While in pre-marital counseling,   I learned that there are 3 main purposes of marriage from our Family Life Marriage Material.  They are easy to remember because each one begins with the letter M.

1. “Mirror God’s Image” (Genesis 1:27)  – God made marriage to mirror his image.  This is why it should be between a male and a female.  Together they reflect the image of God.  When a man and a woman come together as one, they are a living picture of the intimate relationship between Christ and the Church (his followers).
2. “Mutually Complete One Another” (Genesis 2:18) – Another name for this one is companionship.  God provides companionship to help meet our deep longing for close, intimate relationships.  To mutually complete each other means that together we can create something that could not exist apart.
3. “Multiply a Godly Legacy” (Genesis 1:28) – God said be fruitful and multiply.  Marriage provides the perfect foundation for having children. Raising children requires a team effort and both parents were meant to raise children. Also, it is important that we multiply a godly legacy.  This means that as a husband and wife, God wants us to teach our children about Him.  He wants us to raise a godly seed.  This applies to children that we give birth to, adopt or have a special place in our hearts.

In order for us to fulfill God’s purpose for marriage we must have a relationship with Him and follow His plan for marriage.  His plan can be found in the Word of God.  So to answer the question, “Why Marriage?”  Marriage is God’s way.  Marriage is God’s plan for reflecting Him on earth, having true companionship and for raising a godly seed.  Now of course we live in a world that has a different plan for marriage and for having children but who’s plan will you follow?  I am witness that  marriage God’s way works!

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

“Do You Practice Name Calling When You Argue?”

      Recently I heard a wife respond to her husband by saying, “You’re just “stupid.”  A  husband got mad at his wife and said “You B” (he actually said the full word).  One wife was so upset because she and her husband had a disagreement and he said “F you.” The interesting thing was when I selected this topic, I mentioned it to my 14 year old and she said, “Isn’t that a topic for kids?”  In her mind, adults know better and would not call each other names.  However, this is not the case.   

    Webster’s Dictionary defines “Name Calling” as the following:

• Abusive or insulting language referring to a person or group
• Verbal abuse
• The use of abusive names to belittle or humiliate another person
• The act of using offensive names to insult someone when in an argument
• To induce rejection or condemnation without objective consideration of the facts

      Name calling will damage any relationship. Let me be clear, I am talking about offensive names not names of endearment like, sweety, honey,baby, etc.   How can you call your wife a “B” and then expect her to make love to you at night?  How can a wife call her husband “stupid” and expect him to still be attracted to her?  Name calling tears down intimacy, self-esteem, it hurts and it destroys relationships with a spouse, children, friends or whoever.  There are so many kids who are suffering from name calling.  Unfortunately, some of the name calling comes from their parents.  We must be careful about what we call our children.

     Name calling does so much damage because often times the name will stick with you.  If you haven’t been taught how to take a negative name or thought out of your mind quickly, you will replay the name over and over in your mind.  There are adults who can quickly recall names that they were called as a child.  Why?  Because it hurt them, and it stuck with them.  Often times, when the argument is over, the person who was called names is still wondering if that’s the way the person really feels about them.  One of the biggest lies that we use to say as children is “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”  This is not true.  Words hurt and we must stop the name calling.  

     Ephesians 4:29 says “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”  So when you get into an argument or a disagreement, resist the urge to call your spouse, children or your friends outside of their names.   Learn how to attack the problem and not the person.  Remember that there is life after an argument and you don’t want the name that you called your spouse, child or friend to haunt them.  If name calling is something that you practice, I encourage you to stop, ask God to forgive you as well as the person who you called the name. 

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

“Why Cheat?”

     Today I received a disturbing email from Denis Rainey, the president of Family Life Ministry.  Family Life is one of the leading Christian organizations that produces books, materials and conferences to help build strong and healthy marriages.  The email stated that on President’s day, a company by the name of AshleyMadison.com created a shameless billboard with an attach on marriage and family.  The billboard was posted a few miles away from the Family Life Headquarters in Little Rock.  Denis Rainey describes the billboard as one of the most shameless attacks on marriage and family that he has ever seen.  The billboard featured pictures of FDR, JFK, and Bill Clinton with the slogan, “Who said cheaters never prosper?”

     He also states that this company solely exist to encourage married men and women to commit adultery.   The company promises to protect you by keeping an affair a secret.  This is terrible but real! We are living at a time where people no longer respect the institution of marriage and are not shameful about cheating.  Fortunately, Family Life Ministry was able to create their own billboard, emails and a broadcast in response to this shameless company.  They were able to respond by highlighting the damage that adultery causes to the family.

    This week I want to encourage all of the married people to protect your marriage vows by being faithful and committed to your spouse.  Encourage your friends, family and co-workers to do the same.  The Bible is very clear about the fact that we should not commit adultery. (Exodus 20:14)  Don’t fall for the famous trick of the enemy and let someone take the place of your spouse.  It’s not worth the pain nor the problems that it causes.  God is able to COMPLETELY SATISFY you with your own husband/wife.

     If you are single and desire to get married, don’t marry unless you are willing to be faithful and committed to your spouse.  Also, if you are single and hoping to connect with someone, don’t connect with someone else’s husband or wife.  Make sure that you don’t flirt, lead on, date or sleep with anyone who is not your own husband or wife.  This only leads to destruction. Destruction of your life, the person’s life, the non-cheating spouse’s life and any children involved. Satan’s desire is to kill, steal and destroy by any means necessary (John 10:10).  Don’t allow him to use you to destroy a marriage and a family. Any way you slice it, Destruction is painful!

     In conclusion, there is no need to cheat!  Trust God to meet every need and enjoy the wife/husband who you married.  Be committed and faithful!  There are so many blessings in store for those who remain faithful.

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

“What Are You Afraid Of?”

What if something bad happens?  What if we don’t make it?  What if we don’t have enough?  What if the answer is no/yes?  What if I lose my job? What if I am not good enough? Did you know that the “What ifs” can kill you or kill your dream?  I can go on and on with the what ifs that have come through my mind, can you?  The “What ifs” can be so strong in your mind that they create fear.  Fear is defined as something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension, something a person is afraid of, a concern or anxiety.  I have also heard fear defined as False, Evidence, Appearing, Real.  Any way you look at it, it’s not good for us and its toxic thinking.

What are your fears?  How often does a fearful thought enter your mind?  When a fearful thought enters our mind and stays there, it can cripple us to the point that we will not move forward.  It can stop us or delay us from accomplishing the goals that God has set for us.  I recently attended a Marriage Conference and felt that I should share my book, “Marriage from A to Z” with one of the representatives at the conference.  I went to get my book and placed it in my purse but then fear came over me.  What if he doesn’t accept it, What if he says they don’t need any more books and What if he is not interested?  After allowing all of these thoughts to go through my mind, fear came over me and I did not act on what I felt lead to do.

Fear can hurt your marriage and relationships.  If you have frequent thoughts like; “What if she/he cheats on me? What if I am not a good husband/wife/parent? What if I can’t provide?  If your mind is covered with fear, you will not be able to fully embrace your spouse or the relationship because you are afraid that something bad may happen.  You want your children to have memorable experiences but you fear letting them go and experience memorable moments.  Fear will hinder you from moving forward on something that you really want to accomplish.  Some people want to get married but are afraid to commit because they fear divorce.

This week I want to challenge you to get rid of your fearful thoughts.  Act on what God is telling you to do. The truth of the matter is that what happens, God will be with you and he will help you.  However, He does not want us to spend our lives being afraid.  We must trust God regardless of what it looks like.  Have faith and believe God.  Be calm and cool because according to II Timothy 1:7, God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.  I love the way that the Amplified Bible says it, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given us a spirit) of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.” Have no fear!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Are You Connected or Disconnected?”

     Over the past two weeks I have heard multiple wives say the following about their husbands, “he has changed, I don’t know who he is any more, he has been mean and nasty to me, he acts as if he doesn’t care any more.”  As I listen to each of the wives share, I realize that each of the situations are different. However, the common problem in each of the situations is that there is a disconnect.

     John 15:5 says “I am the vine, you are the branches.  He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”  Jesus Christ is the vine and we are the branches.  Any time that we try to do life, marriage or anything without him, we CAN NOT do it successfully.  Singles, if you hook up with someone who is not connected to Christ, don’t ignore this red flag. Jesus is the vine who wants to run through every relationship and marriage. He is the lifeline who keeps our relationships healthy, loving and successful. When fruit is disconnected from the vine, it dies.  When a husband or a wife gets disconnected from Christ, they die. Marriages die when someone chooses to disconnect from the vine.  

     When a spouse stops connecting with God, it’s easy to disconnect with the spouse. When building your relationship with God is no longer a priority, people change, marriages suffer and usually the spouse and the kids begin to get mistreated. Any of us are capable of acting like a fool when we stop connecting and spending time with God. He is the only one who keeps us in check. Outside of God we all get side tracked and we are likely to do anything. When two people are staying connected to God individually, it makes connecting with each other easier.  The vine (Jesus) helps us to keep loving, forgiving and giving in our relationships.  

      If you are experiencing a difficult time in your life, or know someone who is going through, I encourage you to “STAY CONNECTED TO THE VINE!” Often times when we are going through the enemy wants us to disconnect.  So we stop going to church, stop spending time with other Christians, stop reading our Word and stop praying. Staying connected means doing just the opposite. You must be intentional about going to God’s house, praying, reading God’s Word so that you can maintain a healthy vibrant connection with the vine.  Remember, without Him, you can do nothing!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Extra, Extra, Read All About It!”

          Singles and Married people are being blessed by the book Marriage From A to Z.  Congratulations to over 90 ladies who just recently completed the Marriage From A to Z “Singles Only” class.  Many have shared amazing testimonies on how the principles in this book have changed their life.  I must admit, I wrote the book with married people in mind. However, God had another purpose.

     God is using Marriage from A to Z  to bless singles, engaged, and those who are married,  This book is an easy read and it’s the kind of the book that never gets old.  You can read the book, put it on the shelf and pick it up again.  The principles are all based on the Word of God so you can’t go wrong when you read and apply.  

     Did you know that in addition to the book, there is a Marriage from A to Z Study Guide?  The study guide is a workbook designed to help define each principle, ask you thought provoking questions, provide scripture and space to journal.  The workbook is for those who are married however, I am working on a workbook for singles.     

     Hosea 4:6 says my people perish for a lack of knowledge.  I believe that relationships and marriages are perishing for a lack of knowledge.  Marriage from A to Z provides biblical principles that will bless any relationship.  If you or someone you know is struggling in their marriage, read it!  If you are going to a wedding or a bridal shower this year, bless someone with Marriage from A to Z. If you have already read the book, refresh yourself by reading over the principles and share with a friend.  It can be purchased online (authorhouse.com or amazon.com) or at the First Baptist Church of Glenarden’s  Book Store.  

Until Next Week . . .

Carolyn

“Will You Obey or Disobey?”

     Last Tuesday at Bible Study our pastor began by asking everyone to move to the front section of the church. He asked again, “Can everyone please move to the front?”   He mentioned that he would much rather have everyone to sit  together in the front, than to have everyone scattered all over the church.  While our pastor said this 3 or 4 times, people still DID NOT move.  Finally, he walked to the back where people were sitting and nicely asked again; “Would you please move to the front of the church?”  Most people moved after being asked several times.  One lady decided to stay in the back and then decided to move later.  My thoughts were, why do we have to be asked so many times before we obey?

     When the man of God ask you to do something simple, will you obey? Husbands, when God gives you instruction for your family, will you obey?  Wives, when your husband ask you to do something, will you obey?  When your boss ask you to do something, will you obey?  When your parents ask you to do something, will yo obey?  When God ask you to do something, will you obey?God speaks and moves through our authorities (pastors, parents, teachers/facilitators, your boss, your spouse, your mentor, etc.)  so when we don’t obey we are often disobeying God.  The only time it is right to disobey, is when what you are being asked to do is contrary to the word of God.  God never wants us to do anything that doesn’t line up with the Bible.

     To obey is to comply, follow the commands, wishes and instructions.  It also means to submit and to conform in action to some principle.  To disobey is to neglect or to refuse to obey.  Also, when we delay our obedience,  it’s another form of disobedience.  God loves when we do what we are asked to do right away!  No one should have to keep reminding us!  (ouch!)   So what is the thing that you know you need to do and you haven’t done it yet?  God told you or he used someone to tell you and you have not obeyed.  Ask God to forgive you and get moving.  Remember that God rewards obedience!

     In closing I want to leave you with a few verses on obedience.

1. Obedience is better than sacrifice. (I Samuel 15:22)
2. Wives obey your husbands (Titus 2:5)
3. Obey those who rule over you (Hebrews 13:7)
4. Do not resist your authorities (Romans 13:1-2)
5. Teach your kids to obey (Ephesians 6:1)
6. When your husband does’t obey (I Peter 3:1)

Have a great week!

Carolyn

“Got Respect?”

     R-E-S-P-E-C-T!  Find out what it means to me! Over and over, I have heard men say that their #1 need is respect.  Although we all need respect, this week’s focus is the respect that a man needs.  So, if you are single with hopes of being married, learn what it really means to respect a man and you will be in a better position to keep him.   If you are married, use this week’s message to evaluate the respect in your marriage.  

     It is very important that every wife knows how to respect her husband.  In Ephesians 5:33 the Bible says “let the wife see that she respects her husband.”  When respect is missing other problems will occur.  The Amplified Bible breaks down the word respect in such a way that we can all check ourselves.  Ask yourself, “Do I respect my husband the way that God wants me to?  Here is what it means to really respect your husband.

1. Notice Him (Pay attention to your husband)
2. Regard Him (Think highly of him)
3. Honor Him (Give special rank and distinction to him)
4. Prefer Him (Set or hold before, above other persons or things)
5. Venerate Him (Regard or treat him with reverence)  Note: Watch the way that you talk to him.  
6. Esteem Him (Regard highly or admire him)
7. Defers to Him (Yield respectfully to him)
8. Praise Him (Express approval, offer grateful words to him)
9. Love Him (Desire him, have a warm attachment to him)
10. Admire Him ( Regard with wonder, pleasure or approval)

     In closing, if you are single and can’t respect him, don’t marry him.  If you are married, see to it that you  respect your husband and practice Ephesians 5:33.  Have you shown your husband respect today?  If this is a struggle for you, pray and God will help you!    

Until next week . . .

Carolyn Tatem

Is Your Heart In it?

     My husband and I met a young man on Sunday, he was married but separated.  His wife had been speaking strongly about getting a divorce but she recently changed her words and said “let’s not get a divorce.”  Staying together and not getting a divorce, sounds good but the problem is that her actions have not changed.  She is still acting like a woman who does not want to be bothered.  When we say words that our actions do not follow, this is called “Lip Service.”  “Lip Service” is defined as an insincere expression of friendship, admiration, support, etc.  In other words, it’s service by words only.  Empty talk that does not have any actions to support.   

     In Psalm 78:36 God says that he detests lip service.  He talks about the people who say that they worship and love God but their hearts are far from him.  This week I want to challenge you to evaluate yourself in your  relationship with God, your marriage, relationship with friends, family or co-workers.  Do your actions line up with your words?  If you say that you are Christian does your lifestyle say the same?  Are you telling your spouse one thing but your actions say another? Are you saying that you want the job but your actions say something different?   

     Relationships are so much better when your heart is in it.  When your heart is in it, your actions line up with your words. God does not like when we flatter him with words but our hearts are far from him.  This is why we are told all through the Bible to love God with all of our heart, mind and soul.  When your heart is not in it, it shows.    If you say you want the relationship, give it all you have.  If you say you love God, serve him with all you have.  If you say you want the job, act like it.  Don’t just give lip service, put your heart in to it!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

Can You Suffer and Still be Kind?

      How do you respond when some one rubs you the wrong way, mistreats you, causes you pain or make you suffer?  Do you respond with the same treatment, cut them off all together or do you respond  with kindness?  Responding with kindness is probably the less likely response.  Human nature says when you hurt me, I will hurt you.  If you cause me pain, I will cause you pain.  If you make me suffer, I will make you suffer.  God’s nature is different.  Therefore, our challenge this week is to be kind in the midst of whatever you are going through.     

     To suffer is to endure pain, disability or a disadvantage willfully and patiently.  It could also mean to undergo or experience a condition, process that causes pain.  Suffering may require you to  tolerate or allow something that may not feel so good.  On the other hand, to be kind is to be considerate, helpful, mild, gentle, having a good nature and loving.  I Corinthians 13:4  says “Love suffers long and is kind.”  Suffering and kindness don’t seem to go together.  Therefore, it’s a challenge to be kind to someone while you are suffering. However, God knows that we can’t demonstrate this kind of love without Him.  

      Some relationships are challenging.  People have different personalities, beliefs, habits and behaviors that make them difficult to work with, live with and to love.  But God is calling us to love the unlovely and to be kind.  Luke 6:32 says “But if you love those who love  you, what credit is that to you?”  It’s easy to love those who love you and treat you the way that you want to be treated but can you love the unlovely?   (This is the test of being a true Christian).               

     Maybe you are going through a painful situation or you know someone who is going through.  Be encouraged to keep showing love.  Go to Love (God) to get the love that  you need.  When you can’t take it any more, God will shower you with His love and give you strength from above.  Being mean and nasty displeases God.  His desire is that we conduct ourselves with love and kindness.    It may be your spouse, your child, your co-worker or a friend who has hurt you.    No matter what you are going through, remember to return to God day after day for a fresh supply of love and kindness. Everything that you are experiencing will help to develop you into the person who God wants you to be. Think about someone who has displayed this type of love to you and thank them.

Until until next week.  . .  

Carolyn