Marriage from A to Z

“Aim to Please!”

     Why is it that we know what will please our spouse but sometimes we refuse to do it?  I think this happens when we are operating in our flesh and only thinking about ourselves.  I know that I am guilty!  Last week, I wrote about earning a good “Marriage Report Card.” I hope everyone was inspired to make good grades with their spouse.  This week I want to provide you with a focus that is sure to help you earn some good grades in your marriage relationship.

     Good grades are obtained when you find out what is required and you meet the requirements.  If the teacher says you have to read two books, turn in two 20 page papers, take a quiz and a test, you would.   You may not like the requirements but if you want to make good grades, you will do everything necessary to make good grades.  In other words, you “Aim to please!”  

     I encourage you to “Aim to please!”  Our first goal should always be to please God. Secondly, we should aim to please our spouse. God is pleased when we please our spouse.  Make a list of some of the things that you know pleases your spouse.  Be intentional about doing something everyday.  If you know that your husband likes a neat house, aim to please!  If you know that your wife likes when you help with the kids in the evening, aim to please.  Study your spouse and find out what pleases him/her.  Do it!  Don’t withhold good from your spouse.   

     In the book of Esther there are several verses where Esther says “If it pleases the king” (Esther 5:4, Esther 1:19, Esther 9:13).  If we want to maintain a happy and successful marriage this should be in the forefront of our minds.  If it pleases my husband or if it pleases my wife I will do . . .  

     This week’s message is simple, “AIM TO PLEASE!” 

Until next week  . .  .

Carolyn

“Marriage Report Card”

     Happy New Year!  When was the last time you received a report card?  We all know that a report card is a history or record of performance or accomplishment that is usually adjudged by someone else.  Well it’s time for you and your spouse to evaluate your performance and accomplishments over the last year and see how you can get straight A’s for the 2014 Marriage year.

     Think about 2013.   What went well in your marriage and what would you like to see improve?  How can you be a better husband or a better wife?  Ask your spouse how are you doing? Encourage each other to answer honestly and be willing to take in whatever your spouse has to say without getting upset.  If you don’t know how you are doing, how can you know how to improve?  Sometimes we don’t ask our spouse how we are doing because we really don’t want to hear the answer.

     This week I want to encourage you to create your own report card, if not on paper, do it orally.  Come up with the categories (examples:  listening to each other, serving one another, intimacy, home chores, keeping yourself together, praying together, etc.) that are important to your marriage and grade yourself, then allow your spouse to grade you.  Sometimes we think that we are being an “A” student when really we are missing the mark.  Your work must please your spouse!  Remember you made a vow to the Lord that you would forsake all others for your spouse. Therefore, it is very important that you strive for excellence and earn straight A’s.  God is holding you accountable for how you love, treat, respect, and honor your spouse.  After you take the time to evaluate your marriage and how things are going, you may find that you don’t have straight A’s.  If this happens, pray and ask God and your spouse to tell you how you can do better.  Your goal is to get a good marriage report card.

     Pastor John K. Jenkins often says, “If you keep doing things the same way, you will keep getting the same results.”   So my question to you is, what are you willing to do differently?  What changes are you willing to make?  Often times we are so quick to come up with changes that we want our spouse to make but we have no control over that.  With God’s help, we can only work on ourselves.  We should strive to please God and to please our spouse.

     The following are some questions that I found in my marriage supply that are good to discuss as you evaluate your marriage.

     Questions Every Wife Should Ask Her Husband Annually by Jeannie Elliff

• Is there anything I can change to make our home a place where you feel more satisfied and comfortable?
• What can I do to show you how much I need and trust you?
• Do you feel I properly understand the goals that God has placed in your heart?  How can I help you achieve them?
• How do you envision our future together?  What can we do together to achieve that goal?
• Are there any big dreams in your heart that you have been hesitant to share with me?  How can I help you fulfill them?
• How do you feel we can begin communicating better than we already are?
• Is there anything that I am doing or failing to do that seems to send a signal that I do not honor you or your leadership in our home?
• What are some things I can do to regularly show you just how satisfied I am with you as my husband and the leader of my home?

 Questions Every Husband Should Ask His Wife Annually by Tom Elliff

• What could I do to make you feel more loved?
• What could I do to make you feel more respected?
• What could I do to make you more secure?
• What could I do to make you feel more understood?
• What attribute would you like me to develop?
• What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?
• What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?

Until next week  . . .

Carolyn

“Conflict in Marriage”

     Every couple who stays married for any length of time will face some conflict.  When two people who were raised in different households with different rules, habits, different parents, there will be some conflict.  I have always heard about getting married and living happily ever after, but no one talks about the conflict.  Webster’s dictionary defines conflict as; “mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes or external or internal demands.” Conflict is inevitable and we must learn how to deal with it!

     Most of us do not deal well with conflict because we have not been taught how to effectively deal with it.  Our normal responses to conflict are to withdraw or attack.  What is your normal response?  The goal should be to deal with conflict, resolve it, keep loving one another and by all means, stay married!  Since the devil hates godly marriages, his job is to do everything that he can to kill, steal and destroy your marriage (John 10:10).  However, when we know God we have the power to resolve conflict and live in harmony.

     Conflict does not have to mean divorce.  When handled effectively, conflict can draw two people closer together because it helps you to understand your spouse.  If it is not dealt with, conflict can build a wall between a husband and wife.  The wall represents bitterness, fear, resentment, lack of communication and all of those things that keep us apart.

TIPS ON DEALING WITH CONFLICT

1. Determine that divorce is not an option.  Don’t ever make threats to leave or divorce. Stay and allow God to help you work it out.
2. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.  (Eph. 4:26-27) Deal with your anger in a timely manner.
3. Be transparent and allow your spouse to be transparent.  This means be real and honest about how you feel.
4. Pursue peace.  Don’t let days go by with the silent treatment.  Be quick to pursue peace.
5. Take time to really listen to your spouse.  Listening helps to kill conflict.
6. Don’t get physical.  In other words don’t ever put your hands on your spouse or an object in anger.
7. If you must, walk away to cool off, walk in a different room for a limited time.  Return to your spouse and deal with the conflict.
8. Lovingly confront your spouse.  Always check your attitude.  Pray before you speak.
9. Pick the right time and place to handle your conflict.  Don’t confront or argue in public or around your kids.  Be private.
10. State your feelings by starting with the word “I” and not “You.” For example “I feel misunderstood” not “You don’t understand me.”
11. Be willing to forgive.  A husband and wife must end conflict in forgiveness in order to have peace.  Pray for God’s Spirit to help you to forgive.
12. Don’t keep fussing about the same thing over and over again. State how you feel and then let it go. Ask God to fix it!
13. Don’t try to punish your spouse for something that was done.  Pray and let God handle the punishment.

Remember all marriages have conflict and that your spouse is not your enemy. Learn to deal with your conflict.  Allow God and His Holy Spirit to help you.  God is bigger than our conflicts!

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“First Love”

Remember when you first fell in love with your husband or your wife?  Think about the things you used to do, places you used to go and things that you used to say.  You went out of your way to do things because you were so in love.  Obviously, you won your spouse over because you both agreed to get married. I have heard so many couples share their beautiful love stories and wonder how does it go from the love story to not wanting to be together?

Last week, I wrote about God’s definition of love (See I Corinthians 13).  When we look at real love and what we had when we first selected our spouse, was it really love? What happens to the love? I think once we live with a person, start learning more and more about them, their ways, habits and family background, we sometimes discover that we don’t like what we see.  Our enthusiasm about each other dwindles as our knowledge increases. In other words, sometimes the more we know the less we love.  It shouldn’t be this way, but some couples discover that they don’t like the choice they made.

“Actions Speak Louder Than Words!”

     “I Love You!”  Oh how I love to hear these words.  Don’t you?  Especially when these words come from my husband, family and close friends.  Although I love to hear these words, they mean very little if the actions don’t match.  This week I want to encourage you to do a love check.  Think about the people who you say that you love, do your actions match your words?  The goal should be to demonstrate love in all of our relationships but let’s just focus on the love within your marriage.  You may say that you love your husband or your wife but what are your actions saying?  What do people see when they see your marriage?  Would your spouse say that you do a good job of demonstrating your love?        

     I John 3:18 says let us not love in word or in tongue, but in our deed/actions and in truth.  If we say that we love and our actions are consistently saying something else, we lie.  We must practice loving on a daily basis.  Be sure you act like you love your husband/wife.  Evaluate how you; talk to your spouse, treat your spouse, serve your spouse, meet your spouse’s needs, do your actions say love?  Here is how the Bible tells us to love from the Message Bible.  (I Corinthians 13:4-8)  

• Love never gives up.
• Love cares more for others than for self.
• Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
• Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head,
• Doesn’t force itself on others,
• Isn’t always “me first,”
• Doesn’t fly off the handle,
• Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
• Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
• Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
• Puts up with anything,
• Trust God always,
• Always looks for the best,
• Never looks back,
• But keeps going to the end.
• Love never dies.  

       Now this is “Real Love!”  Imagine what the world would be like if we all practiced this kind of love. With God’s help we can make our actions speak louder than our words.  Without Him, we will fail every time!

Until Next Week  . . .

Carolyn

 p.s.  If you feel like your love is gone, go to the Creator of Love and get replenished!  God has an unlimited supply! 

“An Attitude of Gratitude”

     Did you know that there is power in showing gratitude?  Simply being thankful and displaying gratefulness is powerful!  Imagine your spouse saying, “thank you honey for washing the clothes, I really appreciate having clean clothes in the drawer”.  “Thank you for cooking a meal or making sure that there are groceries in the refrigerator.”  Let’s say your son or daughter made you a picture or just sent a card to say, “thanks mom and dad!”  How would this make you feel?  Often times just saying, “Thank you!”  makes you feel warm, appreciated, happy, it heals and it motivates you to want to do more.  

     Although everyday is a day of thanksgiving,  this week I want to encourage you to be intentional about having an attitude of gratitude.  We all know that Thanksgiving is on Thursday and that this is a time to give thanks to God for all that He has done and will do.  However, I want to encourage you to practice an attitude of gratitude towards your spouse.  When was the last time that you said thank you to your spouse?  

     Be intentional about encouraging your spouse with an attitude of gratitude. Practice saying “Thank You!” You could even be creative because there are so many ways to display gratitude.  Just to name a few: You could simply say thank you for _____.  You could write a  letter of thanks and leave it some place where you know your spouse will see it.  You could buy flowers and just say thank you! You could send a thank you text or email.  You could run a bubble bath and say thank you!   If your spouse normally cooks, you could prepare or purchase the meal and just say thank you!  Think of things that your spouse does frequently and that you enjoy.  I hope that it is easy for you to say thank you to the man/woman that you vowed to spend the rest of your life, but for some it’s a struggle.

     I know somebody is saying, “he/she hasn’t done anything for me to be thankful.”  If this is how you feel, I want to challenge you to pray and ask God to show you reasons to be thankful as it relates to your spouse.  It may be thank you for coming home at night. Thank you for being a good father, etc.  Sometimes we hold back on saying thank you because we focus on the one thing that our spouse is NOT doing.  However, I honestly believe that if you display an attitude of gratitude towards all or the one thing that your spouse is doing he/she would be motivated to do more.  Don’t just say thank you, be sure to display it with your actions.  You must be sincere.

     In Psalm 100:4 God tells us to enter His gates with thanksgiving and in Psalm 95 it says come before His presence with thanksgiving.  This means that God  wants us to come to Him with thankfulness on our hearts.  If gratitude blesses and pleases God, imagine how it would bless and please your spouse.  An attitude of gratitude is powerful!  Use your power to help heal, encourage, strengthen, build and warm the heart of your spouse.

Until next week . . .

Carolyn 

Money in Marriage

     Money, money, money, money . . . money!  It’s one of the top ten reasons that couples give for getting a divorce.  For some, this picture says it all, it’s like a tug of war.    You have one view about how money should be managed and your spouse has another. This is why it so important to communicate and come to some mutual agreements about how you will manage your money.  If you are planning to get married, please discuss this BEFORE you get married.  Studies reveal that if money becomes a consistent topic of disagreement, the road to divorce is certain.    This does not have to be the case when God is in the marriage.  No problem is too big or too hard for God to solve! 

     This  week I want to encourage you evaluate how you and your spouse handle your money.  Are you on one accord?  Maybe this isn’t an issue for either of you and maybe it is.  This weekend we hosted a fellowship for newlywed couples in our home.  Each couple shared a tip or a lesson that they have learned about money since they have been married. In addition, we were blessed with a lesson on finances from author and speaker Michelle Singletary/McIntyre and her husband Kevin.

    As we get ready to go into the holiday season where we tend to spend more money, I want to share some of the lessons and tips that were given this weekend. I pray that they they will bless you.   Read the list and see if there is anything that you can start doing, do better or change in your marriage.  

Lessons & Tips on Money in Marriage

Note:  This list is from my notes on Kevin and Michelle’s presentation 

1. Bring your money together 
2. Tithe and pay God first
3. Jointly manage your money
4. Plan
5. Whoever handles money the best should be the treasurer
6. Use the word “ours.”  Everything is “ours,”
7. Be careful about who you let speak into your life
8. Create a safe place so that your spouse will feel comfortable talking to you about money
9. Before you spend a certain amount, you should agree to communicate
10. Have house rules about money
11. Don’t argue in front of the children
12. No financial tit for tat
13. Meet regularly to discuss the family finances (communicate)
14. Agree to discuss money in a respectful manner, no cussing (Ephesians 4:29)
15. Do not talk to anyone about your finances unless they are in a position to give good information 
16. Strive to be debt free (Romans 13:8)
17. Create an emergency fund with 3-6 months of savings and a life fund for basic household repairs
18. Remember that debt is bondage, so pay it quickly
19. Be sure that you have an understanding
20. Remember that someone will always give more than the other 

Until next week . . . .

Carolyn

Clean This House!

     What does this picture say to you? It doesn’t matter if you live in an apartment, condominium, town house or single family home, wherever you lay your head will require some house work.  It’s one of those on going jobs that we must do or have somebody else to do.  This week I want to encourage you to keep a clean house.  If this is not your issue because your physical house is clean, take a look at your spiritual house.  Perhaps there is something inside of you that needs to be clean.  May be you need a clean heart, clean mind or a clean attitude.  Let’s do some inventory and work on cleaning!  

     It’s no fun to come home to a dirty, nasty house.  Maintaining a clean house is essential for creating a healthy environment to nourish yourself, your spouse and your family.  Clutter, dirt and disorganization can create on going problems in your home.  Just to name a few: 1) It makes you not want to come home  2) It can cause unnecessary stress and tension 3) It makes you waste time looking for things that are out of order and lastly 4) It often discourages you from having family and friends into your home.  This doesn’t mean that your house has to be perfect all of the time but the goal should be to keep a clean house.  Ask yourself, “Is God pleased with the way that I keep my house?”  Is my spouse pleased with the way that I keep my house?  Ask your spouse.  

     I know that it’s not easy when you work everyday, have kids, and have a lot going on.  Its major for me to get all of the clothes washed, dried, folded and put away every week.  Laundry alone is a never ending cycle but we must keep working on it.  Everyone living in the house should have some responsibilities and be clear on how and when their jobs need to be done.  However, when a house is not clean, most people blame the lady of the house.   Although every household is different, one thing is the same and that is, a house needs to be maintained with regular attention.  If you live in a house, eat, bathe and sleep, there will be some cleaning that needs to be done.

     In Titus II the Bible tells women to be a keeper of the home.  This means maintain a clean house and be aware of what goes into and out of your house.  Whether you do it yourself, train your kids to do it or have hired help, keep a clean house!   It’s a great feeling to come home to a clean house. Our homes should be a ministry center.  Always have your home ready to receive your family, guest or a neighbor who you may have to bless.  A clean house is inviting, it helps you to think better, it will please your spouse and most importantly, It pleases God.  “Cleanliness is next to godliness!”   

Until Next Week  . . .

Carolyn

Let’s Celebrate!

     When was the last time you planned a celebration for yourself or someone special to you?  Hopefully, you can say it was recently.  Life is too precious and too short not to celebrate!  This week I want to encourage you to look for opportunities to celebrate. Make time to celebrate something for your self, a family member, friend or a co-worker.

     To celebrate is to observe a day or commemorate an event with ceremonies or festivities.  It can also mean to praise widely and to make known publicly.  Celebrations were held all throughout the Bible.  In Esther 9:18-20 the people celebrated with feasting, gladness and gift giving.  They celebrated to remember God’s specific acts.  

     Let’s take time to celebrate specific things that God has done and is doing.  Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, milestones or special achievements.  Every time that God allows you to see another day or year, its worth celebrating.  Each year that you are married and stay together, it’s worth celebrating. Don’t let another day, year or week go by without taking the time to celebrate something that God has done.  

     On Wednesday, November 6th, I will celebrate my birthday.  For a brief moment, I didn’t want to celebrate because I was focusing on the fact that I am getting older. God quickly reminded me of how much of a blessing it is to see another year and how much He has done through the year. I am also reminded of the fact that my mother who was a teenager while pregnant with me, could have aborted me, But God!   When I think about what God has done, I have a lot to celebrate.  Not only will I celebrate my birthday, I plan to celebrate the entire month of November. (smile) By celebrate the entire month, I mean that each day in November  I am going to be intentional about enjoying myself, doing what I like to do, trying something new, and spending more time with family and friends.  Really I will be celebrating for two months straight because next month we will celebrate the birth and resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

     Don’t take another day, week or year for granted.  When you or someone you know has something special happening in their world, take time to celebrate!  Go out of your way to make someone else feel special.  Don’t let the day past as just another day.  Do something different, say something different, decorate, sing a song, light a candle, give a gift, eat a special meal, take a special trip and CELEBRATE! Don’t let the lack of funds stop you from celebrating.  You can celebrate without a dime in your pocket by writing a letter to share your feelings, singing happy birthday or just sharing your time.   Whether large or small, celebrating is important!   

Benefits of Celebrating

1. It adds excitement to our days
2. It adds excitement and fun to our relationships
3. It gives us something to look forward to
4. It’s a way of showing appreciation for what God has done 
5. It allows us to honor and appreciate others
6. It allows us to acknowledge and appreciate the special events in our lives
7. It does the heart good
8. It puts a smile on your face and on others
9. It’s a way to bless yourself and others
10. It pleases God

Until Next Week  . . .

Carolyn

Are You Keeping Yourself Together?

     Most people look great on their wedding day, but are you keeping yourself together now?  My grandmother once said, “the same thing that you did to get your husband you need to do to keep him.”  She was specifically referring to the maintenance and up keep that we so often do when we are dating.  Usually we think carefully about how we will present ourselves and make sure that we look desirable.    This week I want to encourage you to keep looking desirable especially to your spouse!  If you have forgotten about yourself and haven’t been paying yourself much attention, I want to encourage you to get it together!

     Yes you are fearfully and wonderfully made, but you still have to keep yourself together from the inside out.  Keeping yourself together means that you are taking care of your outward appearance and feeding yourself spiritually to nourish the inner you.   When you take care of yourself, you feel better and you look better.  Don’t get so lost in your career, raising children and taking care of everyone else that you forget to take care of yourself.  

     Keeping yourself together should be a daily goal.  First you have to feed yourself with the Word of God and prayer to keep the inner you together.  Secondly, you have to take care of your body/health and your outward appearance.  Be careful about how you present yourself.  

     I have found that as I get older, it is takes more work to maintain my weight and appearance.  How are you doing in this area?  One of the things that inspires me is that I always want to feel good about how I look and I want my husband to be proud to introduce me as his wife.  In Genesis 39:6-10 the Bible says that Joseph was handsome in form and appearance. How is your form, how is your appearance? 

TIPS ON KEEPING YOURSELF TOGETHER

1. Spend daily time in prayer and reading the Word of God.
2. Exercise as often as you can.
3. Maintain a good hair style/hair cut.
4. Be selective about what you wear in public and in private.
5. Have accountability partners. (Friends who will motivate you to exercise, eat right and keep yourself together)
6. Drink water as often as you can.  Water helps to cleanse and helps your skin.
7. Watch your portion size.  
8. As often as you can, cut off your eating at a certain time for example; no eating after 7:00.
9. Discipline yourself, don’t let it all go.
10. Choose the right clothing for your body type.    

 Until Next Week . . . 

Carolyn