Marriage from A to Z

Is Your Love Tank Full or Empty?

     Have you ever heard someone say, “I love you” but in actuality you don’t feel the love?  In other words, their actions don’t speak love to you.    Each of us are unique and need to be loved.  However, what speaks love to you may be totally different from what speak’s love to your spouse, child or friend.  It is important that we learn how to love people the way that they desire to be loved.  I like to think of it as a love tank. Imagine the one you love with this big tank, and it’s your job to keep the tank full. You will need to find out what speaks love to your loved one so that you can keep the tank full. When our love tank is full we are happier, healthier, and we are in a better position to love others.

    Several years ago, I read Gary Chapman’s book titled; “The Five Love Languages.”  The book explains five different ways to love, and is perfect for learning to fill a love tank.  Gary Chapman points out that all of the love languages are needed for a healthy relationship but each one of us have a primary language that really makes us feel loved.   Just in case you have not read the book, here are the five love languages:

1. Acts of Service – You feel loved when people help you do things.  For example:  When your spouse helps to wash the clothes, dishes or helps with the children, you really feel loved .  
2. Words of Affirmation – You feel love when some one affirms you with words.  For example:  You did a great job!, I love the way that you cleaned the garage or you really look nice in that outfit!  
3. Gifts – You feel most loved when you receive gifts.  
4. Quality time – You feel most loved when you get quality time in with the one you love.  
5. Physical Touch – You feel most loved when you are touched.  

     Be sure that you know what makes you feel loved the most, and know what makes your spouse feel loved.  If you have children, it’s good to know their love language as well.  Aim to keep the love tank full by speaking the language that speaks volume to them.  For example.  My love language is quality time.  I really feel loved when my husband gives me one on one time with no distractions. If he were to say I love you, but never wants to spend time together, I wouldn’t feel his love, and my love tank would be empty.  However, he knows my love language, and I know his so, each week our goal is to fill each other’s tank. Many people leave relationships and marriages because their love tank is rarely filled.  A full tank helps to keep a happy and satisfied spouse.   Is your tank on full or empty?  

Until next week,

Carolyn

“Do You Give Your Undivided Attention?”

     “I am giving you my undivided attention.”  These were the words of my husband on our Saturday night date.  He said, “I am being intentional about not taking out my phone tonight.” These words were like music to my ears. There is something special about knowing that you have a person’s undivided attention.  This means that they are totally focusing on you, and you are not sharing them with something or someone else.

     Smart phones are wonderful! However, if you are not careful, you will give more of your time and attention to the phone than you do to the person sitting right in front or beside you.  I know my husband and I are both guilty of having our cell phone at the table, reading a text, email or checking out a website. However, we are becoming more aware of the need to treasure the time that we get to spend each other’s presence.  Giving your undivided attention lets a person know that they are important to you and that you value them.

    This week, I want to encourage you to be intentional about giving your undivided attention. For those who are married or have children, aim to be consistent with giving some undivided attention to your spouse and children every day.  Research says that at least 15 minutes a day of undivided attention can improve the quality of the relationship.   Take time to look into your loved one’s eyes and totally listen to what they have to say.  Get into their world by asking questions about things that concern them.   

     Here are a few tips that have helped me with giving my undivided attention to my spouse/kids:

1. Whenever your spouse enters the home don’t be on the phone. Stop and acknowledge your spouse’s presence. You can do the same with your kids.
2. When you pick your kids up from school or anywhere, be sure that you are not on the phone.   Use the car time as conversation time.  Get into their world.  
3. Have dinner together at the table as often as you can.  Look into everyone’s eyes and ask questions about their day.
4. Don’t answer the phone or watch television while you and your family are having dinner. Pay attention to everyone at the table.
5. Schedule one on one time with no distractions.  It could be date night, 15 minutes of couch time or pillow talk in the bed.
6. If you have multiple children, schedule one on one time with each.  

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Do You Follow Instructions?”

     Have you ever purchased something or started a job that  had an Instruction’s Manual, but you didn’t read it?  I know I have.  Sometimes you think you know exactly how something should go without reading the manual.  Not only do we try to use products without reading the manual, we try to do marriage without reading God’s manual.  We ignore the fact that, The Manufacturer took time to create the Manual for us to read, follow and have a successful outcome.

     Last week I attended a Leadership Summit and was given a flyer that said, “Research shows that the Bible sits well with us. But we too rarely sit with the Bible.”  At the bottom of the flyer it said that 40% of churchgoers don’t open the Bible outside of church.   

     I remember learning that the BIBLE stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. So this week’s question is really asking if you read your Bible?  I know that scripture is read at church, but do you take time to read during the week? Reading as little as one verse a day can have a great impact on you, your life,  your behavior, your marriage and all of your relationships.  The message this week is to read your Bible and apply it to your life. If you are already on a regular schedule of reading, keep it up!  If not, please take this as a challenge and start reading today.  Aim to read every day!  

 Here are just a few reasons why it’s important to read the Instruction’s Manual (The Bible):

1. Life goes better with the Word of God and It pleases God.
2. His Word tells us to study (II Timothy 2:5)
3. It gives you wisdom.
4. It  gives you peace.
5. It gives you directions for living and loving.
6. It strengthens your walk and causes spiritual growth.
7. It gives you hope.
8. It will help to keep you from sin. (Psalm 119:11)
9. It has a wonderful impact on marriage, family and all relationships.
10. It works like a medicine and makes you feel better. 🙂

Until next week,

Carolyn

“Are You Happy?”

     Happy birthday! Happy Anniversary! Happy Valentine’s day! Happy Thanksgiving! The word happy is often attached to holidays and wished upon our special days.  Not only that, some have asked the question, “Are you happy? Are you a happy wife or a happy husband?   Well guess what?  You are the only person who can determine if you are happy.

      What does it mean to be happy?  Happy is defined as delighted, pleased, glad about a particular thing.  It is characterized by pleasure, contentment or joy.  It can also be defined as favored by fortune or being fortunate.  I heard one preacher say that happiness depends on what happens and joy depends on the Lord (Phil 4:4). Happiness is at its fullest when you have a relationship with the Lord and His joy.  Happiness fluctuates with circumstances but joy is consistent.  So when I ask the question, “Are you happy?”  I mean happiness to the fullest.  

     I have been asking myself this question a lot lately.  It all started when I began reading the Happy Wives book (Fawn Weaver).  I began evaluating myself.  I found that my thought life has a lot to do with being happy.   So think about what makes you happy or your standard of happiness.   I know there are disappointments and things that happen which make us unhappy, but don’t let them keep you there.  Unhappiness also comes when we worry, doubt, focus on the negative, compare what we have to others and when we let the world or someone else define what our happy should be.  

    I have found that one of the things that makes happiness is gratitude. When I focus my mind on all that God has done and is doing.  I can’t help but be happy!  Therefore, I want to encourage you to take daily time to recognize and appreciate what you already have (life, health, strength, clothes on your back, food to eat, family, friends, and the list goes on and on). Don’t focus on the things that you can’t change and the goals that you haven’t met.   Be happy and don’t allow anyone to rob you of being happy not even YOURSELF.  Don’t delay being happy because you are waiting on something to happen. I have been guilty of saying, “I will be happy when . . .” However, I am now being intentional about being happy now!   I will close with this famous quote:

    “The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” 

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Are you treasuring each day?”

Last July, we almost lost Ciara our 14 year old daughter. She woke up with breathing problems due to a partially collapsed lung. It was so scary! We spent 9 days in Children’s Hospital, she had surgery and thank God her health was restored. Ciara’s illness caused me to think about the fact that she could leave here way before I ever imagined.

We tend to have in our mind that we are going live a certain amount of years and that our children will out live us. However, we all know and have witnessed many situations where this is not the case. We don’t know the number of days and hours that any one has. Only God knows. Therefore, we must treasure every moment.

One of the truths that was shared on the Couple’s Retreat is that “Your marriage is not forever.” We must treasure every day that we get to spend with our husband, wife, children, family and friends. Let them know how you value their very presence. Enjoy every moment that God gives you with your loved ones so that there are no regrets.

Embracing this truth can put happiness in your marriage and any relationship. Please check out Fawn Weaver’s blog happywivesclub.com

Until next week….

Carolyn

Is Your Marriage a Priority?

     Have you ever wondered how people can be married for 20-30 years and then separate or get a divorce?  Perhaps it is because their marriage/spouse was not a priority. Their children, their job, their ministry and everything else took the place of their marriage/spouse.

     This past weekend, my husband and I had the pleasure of  joining over 200 couples at our church (First Baptist Church of Glenarden) Couple’s Retreat in Norfolk, Virginia.  We had a wonderful time!  The Couple’s Retreat is a 3 day event where couples gather to celebrate, strengthen and build their marriages.  We celebrated marriages from 1 week old to 50 years.  We celebrated the gift of friendship and what God is doing  in our relationships.  Our marriages were strengthened by the great information that was shared from the speakers and the activities that we did as a couple.  Also, we were strengthened from being around so many happily married couples.  We heard various testimonies and were given tools to continue to build a successful marriage.  It was truly a blessing and if you have never been, I encourage you to join us next year (July 23-25, 2015). Since our marriage is a priority, we look forward to going on the Couple’s Retreat every year.    

     What is a priority?  A priority is defined as a thing that is regarded as more important than another.  It is something or someone that is given “special attention.”  So with that being said, Is your marriage/spouse a priority?  The Couple’s Retreat is a yearly event  however, we must make our marriage/spouse a priority every day!  This week, I want you to ask your spouse, “Do you feel like you are my #1 human priority?” We all know that God should be  first (Matthew 6:33) and outside of taking care of yourself, your spouse is next. If you are single and want to be married, be sure that you are willing to adjust your single schedule.  You have to have time to establish, nurture and build a great relationship.  

     I encourage you to make your marriage a priority every day!  Don’t allow everything and everybody to take the time and attention that is needed to nurture your marriage.  I know you have a lot going on, you have your job, your children, your ministry, your family and your friends. However, if you do not learn how to make your marriage/spouse a priority you may not have a marriage/spouse for long.  Don’t take each other for granted.  

Suggestions for making your marriage/spouse a priority:

1. Pray together daily – Listen and hear what’s on your spouse’s heart. Pray for each other.
2. Touch base throughout the day – Don’t go all day without connecting to your spouse.  Call or send a text just to check in.  Anything can happen in  throughout the day.
3. Schedule regular dates – If necessary get a baby sitter and plan regular time with your spouse.  When you schedule time together, be committed and don’t schedule anything else or cancel.
4. Eat meals together – As often as you can.
5. Go to church together – As often as you can.
6. Play together – Do something for fun with your spouse.  
7. Serve each other – Find ways to serve your mate.  If you don’ t know, ask.
8. Show affection often – Hug, kiss and hold hands.  
9. Schedule time away from everything – Take time to totally focus on each other.  Take a vacation, plan a weekend or a day away from it all. Plan to go on a Couple’s Retreat.
10. Be intimate often – Make time for love making as often as you can! 

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“What Happens When We Laugh?”

     Laughter saves lives, marriages and relationships!  When was the last time that you laughed really hard?  Have you ever laughed so hard that  tears came down your eyes and your side hurt?   Can you remember when someone started laughing, you joined them and couldn’t stop laughing?  Having a sense of humor is a blessing, and this week I want to encourage you to laugh more, Be intentional about laughing!  Regardless of your current situation, find something that gets you to laugh out loud.  

     Laughter is known as the best medicine.  Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.”  The Aramaic Bible says, “A merry heart improves the body and a depressed spirit dries up the bones.”  Think about what this is saying, laughter is medicine.  Medicine helps to heal the body or make it feel better,  When we laugh, we are bringing healing to our body.  When we don’t laugh, it saps our strength and dries up our bones.  

     I have to admit, when I keep my focus on things that need to be done, I can get so serious that laughter is far from my mind.  However, my goal is to laugh more everyday.   Studies show that there are so many benefits to laughing.  Here are a few  of the benefits that I found from various studies.

BENEFITS OF LAUGHING

*Helps to relieve stress                                              *Helps to exercise your face muscles

*Helps to keep a marriage healthy                             *Helps to protect you from heart disease

*Lowers blood pressure                                              *Lifts your mood

*Increase memory learning                                          *Helps to burn calories  (10-15 min of                                                                                                 laughter can burn 40-50 calories )

     Incorporate time to laugh in your marriage, family or relationships in general.  Watch something funny, interact with your friends.  Especially friends who have the Sanguine temperament or known to be funny.  Just about every one can appreciate a good laugh. What gets you laughing?  Whatever it is, be sure to do it often.  Remember that laughter is good for you!  

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“What Are Your Expectations?”

   Last week, one of my friends invited my children and I to join her and her children at Six Flags Amusement Park.  We agreed upon a day, the time and we met at the park.  I had visioned us sitting in front of the splash park area talking while watching our kids get in the water.  I told my kids to put on their swim gear and we were ready.  On the other hand, my girlfriend had prepared her kids to ride on rides and to not bring their swim gear.  Long story short, my friend and I never discussed what we were planning to do once we got to the park.  Therefore, my kids and I was expecting to spend time at the splash park area for a couple of hours and her kids were expecting to ride the rides.  We both were saying Six Flags to our kids  but we had two different plans in mind.  

     That situation reminded me of what happens in marriage and relationships.  Two people can say they want to get married but have two different ideas of what marriage is all about.   Each one of us have different backgrounds, were raised differently and have experienced different things.  These things help to develop and make up our expectations. An expectation is the belief that something will happen or is likely to happen.    Often times a person gets married with one expectation and their spouse has another. When expectations are not met, it can cause problems. So what do you do?  

     Communicate, communicate, communicate!  Communication is the key because people honestly will not know unless you tell them.  It is so important to make your expectations clear and to talk about the things that matter to you.  Talking will help you to understand the expectations.  You can agree, change or adjust once you know what is expected.  Often times in relationships, we assume instead of really communicating our expectations. Here are a list of some of the areas that can cause problems if we don’t share our expectations.

Have you discussed your expectations? 

• In marriage (Are we going to stick with it no matter what or is divorce an option?)
• In developing a godly marriage – (If you expect to go to church every Sunday and your spouse doesn’t)
• In handling the finances – (Saving, paying bills, spending habits and lending money)
• In raising children – (You believe in discipline but your spouse does not)
• In having friendships outside of marriage – (Are you okay with me hanging out?)
• In Sexual Intimacy – (Frequency, pleasure, duration, variety)
• In communicating – (You like to talk but your refuses to share)
• In dating – (You want to go places but your spouse loves to stay home)

All of the above are areas that require communication. If not, we are sure to encounter some rude awakenings. To all of the singles, it is wise to discuss your expectations before you get married.   

     In conclusion, communicate your expectations and make them clear.  Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Are You Willing to Make a Change?”

     It’s uncomfortable! It stretches you!  It’s necessary to improve.  It requires you to do something different, but if you keep going, you can make a change!   We all have something that we can improve therefore, change is necessary but the question is, “Are you willing to make a change?”  

     If we want different results in any area of our life, we must be willing to change.  It is often said that doing things the same way and expecting a different result is insanity.  Have you ever made any of these statements?: 

1. “I want to lose weight.”
2. “I want to exercise.”
3. “I want to save money.”
4. “I want to stop being late.”
5. “I want to get a new job.”
6. “I want to write a book.”
7. “I want to be consistent with my devotions.”
8. “I want to get married.”
9. “I want to go natural.”
10. “I want to eat healthier.”

Each of these statements require a change.  You must be willing to do something different in order to accomplish any of these goals.  I know because at some point in my life, I have made these statements. Some of these I have accomplished and some require daily work.  I want to share 3 things that help me to make changes.

1.  Work on the mind.– Romans 12:2 says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”

• Feed your mind with good thoughts.
• Daily read scripture and allow the Holy Spirit to shape your thoughts and behaviors.
• Read books/articles on the subject or the goal.
• Talk to others who have already accomplished the goal.
• When God gives you a word, be obedient!

2.  Establish accountability – Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one.”

• Pray about whether or not you can share with someone.
• Share with someone who will encourage you on your journey.
• Communicate with this person as often as necessary.
• Ask them to remind you of what you said you would do.
• Be honest about your challenges.

3.  Be consistent – Philippians 3:14 says, “Press toward the goal to win the prize.”

• Keep speaking your goal.
• Write your goal and read it every day.
• Do it!
• Keep working at it, don’t give up (consistency is a challenge but keep pressing)
• Pray and  ask God to help you not to return to your old way, old thoughts or old habits.

Remember you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength! (Philippians 4:13)

Until next week . . .

Carolyn

“Why Divorce?”

     “I can’t take it any more!”  “I can’t forgive her/him for this!”  “It’s too hard!”  “I just want to be happy!”  “I am tired of dealing with this!”  “I want out!” Have you ever heard any of these statements before?  I have and usually they are the words that people say right before a divorce.

     Everyone knows that divorce is the termination of a marital union.  We live in a world where divorces are common.  If the marriage gets tough, challenging or if someone gets hurt, they get out.  Divorces are painful and were never meant to be easy.  The world makes it sound so simple.  “If the marriage doesn’t work, just get a divorce.”  Unfortunately, some Christians are living by this same statement.

      The question for this week is, “Why Divorce?”  According to Matthew 19:8, the answer to this question is a “hardened heart.”  A hardened heart is a spiritual condition and is defined as an inability to see, understand, firmly established or unlikely to change.  It also means to have no feeling, being stubborn to a given situation and refusing to be in God.  A hardened heart is one that is turned away from God.  Refusing to forgive someone and not granting mercy is an example of a hardened heart. Any of us can have a hardened heart.  When someone hurts you badly, it is easy to have a hardened heart.  When this happens we have to take the pain, frustration and disappointment to God.  Hard hearts can be softened, healed and changed  by the Word of God.  The problem is that most people don’t want to hang in there and wait for the change.  The enemy loves when we have hardened hearts because his desire is (John 10:10) to steal, kill and destroy. If he can get a husband or a wife to have a hardened heart, he can easily destroy a marriage and a family.

     Malachi 2:16 says, “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts.  Therefore, take heed to your spirit that you do not deal treacherously.”  Taking heed to your spirit means that we must control our attitudes so that they line up with God’s spirit. In the commentary of my Bible, the word treacherously is explained, “To the Lord, attitudes of indifference to marriage vows and duties are the actions of a traitor.”

     If this week’s message does not apply to you, please take time to pray for those who are struggling in their marriages.  Maybe you are contemplating a divorce or know someone who is, keep praying! Don’t move too quickly!  Fight for your family!  Prayer changes people.  Be encouraged and know that God is able to fix, heal and restore any heart. Be patient and wait on God. He can do it! How do I know? ” I have seen Him do it!”

Until next week!

Carolyn